To stay, or not to stay: According to some, you should never ask this of a friend
It all started with a conversation in the office. Having seen debate online about whether it’s OK to ask a friend if you can stay their house while visiting their city, I posed the answer to my colleague, not expecting their fierce response.
“Absolutely not. Under no circumstances can you ask that,” she shot back, clearly horrified at the thought.
It seems like an innocent question, but it’s got everyone divided. Graphic: Tara Blancato
I smiled and nodded, tossing up whether to admit I’d made that exact request just a few months earlier. (Yes, I did stay and yes, we’re still friends.) To my mind, it’s not an outrageous ask – and it’s one I’ve been on the receiving end of, too – but there are caveats.
For instance, if it’s a close friend who you know enjoys having pals stay when they’re in town, that’s a green flag. On the other hand, if it’s someone you wouldn’t be prepared to host if the situation was reversed, don’t go there.
While I’m all about the nuance, others in my team took a firmer stance, arguing that you should simply not ask unless the person has expressly offered, or you’re going to their location specifically to see them.
To help sift through the shades of grey, we’ve brought in three etiquette experts: Amanda King from the Australian Finishing School; Jo Hayes, founder of EtiquetteExpert.org; and Zarife Hardy, founder of the Australian School of Etiquette.
Rude? Acceptable? Or something in between?
“In my opinion, it isn’t necessarily rude to ask. It really depends on your relationship with the person and their living arrangements,” Hardy says.
If they’re a family member you know well, a close friend or someone who’s offered to host you during past conversations, she believes it’s an acceptable request.
Hayes echoes this, saying context – and how the question is posed (more on that in a moment) – is key in this situation.
Asking to stay at a friend’s house has proven a thorny etiquette issue. iStock
“Some people absolutely love hosting guests in their home. This is their love language. So, for them, asking if you can stay is almost a gift to them. However, for other people it is an incredible burden to host guests in their home, even people they love dearly,” she says.
“If you’re asking to stay for one night, and it’s just you, solo, that’s usually very manageable for people, even those who don’t particularly enjoy having guests. But requests for longer stays can also be entirely acceptable.
“Simply use common sense/intuition and pose the question in a way that is entirely no-pressure.”
When you shouldn’t ask
Hayes believes there are circumstances that make asking to stay at someone’s house a no-go zone.
“If the person/family is already under ‘extra’ pressure, such as having just welcomed a new baby into the home/family, in the middle of big renovations, already have a packed house, recuperating from illness or surgery, or the timing aligns with something major in their life, for example their wedding,” she says.
“Also, if you’re asking to stay for a lengthy period of time, or if you’re bringing family entourage - ie. you, hubby and three young children. This is a huge request to ask of someone, [it’s] a lot of people, and likely a lot of ‘noise’, especially if they’re not used to having young children in the home.
“I encourage people to remember the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you wouldhave them do unto you. Use common sense and common intuition.”
Hardy adds, “If you don’t know the person very well, know they live in a small space with limited room, or share their home with people outside their immediate family ... it’s best to avoid putting them in an awkward position by asking to stay.”
What to consider first
Hardy says it’s worth thinking about who the person lives with, the size of their home and how comfortable your relationship is, along with the length of the visit.
“Staying with someone is very different from meeting them for dinner,” she adds.
“If they agree to host you, be mindful of the length of your stay. If you ask to stay for a few nights, don’t extend your visit to a week without discussing it with them first.
“If you genuinely feel the person would be happy to host you, you would enjoy spending time together, and you know you would be a considerate guest, then it’s perfectly acceptable to ask.” iStock
“[When asking], the key is to make it clear that you’re comfortable with either answer. They should feel free to say no if they’re unable to host or simply prefer not to have guests in their home.”
The art of the ask - and being a good guest
All three experts agree it’s vital to pose the question in a low-pressure way that allows your friend to opt out without awkwardness.
King says the goal is to approach it as a “genuine request, not an assumption”, suggesting this as a natural wording: “We will be in your area from Friday to Sunday and wondered whether you might be able to put us up for two nights. Please do not feel awkward saying no – we completely understand if it is not convenient.”
She also advises the following:
- “Give as much notice as possible.
- Specify the exact dates and number of nights.
- Make it easy for them to decline without embarrassment.
- Be prepared to arrange a hotel or other accommodation.
- Keep the stay short; more than a few days as potentially overstaying, depending on the relationship and circumstances.
- Offer to bring food, contribute to groceries, help around the house, and respect their household routine.”
If you do stay, King says you should also thank the person afterwards with a message, a handwritten note or card, or a small gift.
Hardy suggests a similar approach, with a message like: “I’m planning to visit your city and would love to catch up. Would staying with you be a possibility, or would it be easier for me to organise accommodation nearby? Absolutely no pressure either way, and please feel free to have a think about it and let me know.”
“The key is to give them a genuine choice. Avoid making assumptions or putting them on the spot and make it clear that you’ll be just as happy to organise your own accommodation. This allows them to decline gracefully without feeling guilty or uncomfortable,” she adds.
“Another considerate approach is to ask whether they can recommend any good places to stay nearby. This opens the conversation naturally and gives them the opportunity to offer to host you, should they wish to.”
Hayes says text or email is a great way to ask the question without putting your friend ‘on the spot’.
“If they want to say no, they can take their time to compose their response in a way that feels comfortable for them ... give them time/space to think about it andrespond in a way that feels right for them,” she explains.
A text or email is a way to ask the question without putting your friend or loved one on the spot. iStock
“Having to give a response ‘on the spot’ can feel like a lot of pressure, and canoften pressure people into saying yes when they really want to say no but don’tknow how to phrase it.
“And, if they do say no, respond with a warm, friendly response assuring them it’s no problem, [like] ‘No problem at all, my friend. Hopefully we can catch up another time xx’.”
Is it better to just wait for an invitation?
“I think it depends on the situation and the nature of your relationship. If you genuinely feel the person would be happy to host you, you would enjoy spending time together, and you know you would be a considerate guest, then it’s perfectly acceptable to ask,” Hardy says.
“However, if you have any hesitation about whether the offer would be welcome, it’s probably best to organise your own accommodation.”
Hayes agrees it’s not a black and white situation.
“‘Ask and you shall receive’ is proverb that can deliver big results. Communicating our needs and requests to people is entirely acceptable, when done right. Context is key, and putting zero pressure on the person to say ‘yes’,” she says.
If you’re on the other side of the request
“My advice is that hosts should clearly state whether an invitation includes an overnight stay,” King says.
“If they cannot accommodate guests overnight, they should say so politely rather than leave the arrangement ambiguous. For example: ‘We are very sorry, but we cannot host you overnight this time; however, we would love to have you for lunch.’”
King adds that the control over the length and practical details of the visit also lies with the host.
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