Etiquette rule we’re all breaking has the potential to ruin friendships

Voice notes are fast overtaking text messages as our favourite way to communicate but what is designed to be a time-saver has turned into a minefield of frustrations.

The most common gripe is their length, with what should be a short update often turning into a lengthy monologue complete with background noises and the occasional sneeze.

Etiquette expert, Jo Hayes, told nine.com.au that voice notes should “be succinct” and her rule is to keep them to a maximum of 60 seconds. If you think that sounds too short, rest assured that Hayes admits she struggles to stick to it.

“This is a standard rule; I break this quite a lot because I often have voice messages that are information heavy, so they need more time. But keeping that one-minute rule as my mental guide helps me to remember word economy, and only speak what is  absolutely necessary,” she said. 

“The other person’s time is valuable; they don’t have time for you to prattle on, or go off on tangents, about unnecessary nonsense.”

Voice notes are used by many in the nine.com.au office and while there was some annoyance with long messages, the 60-second rule wasn’t popular.

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“An efficient voice note definitely has its place, but sometimes a girl just needs five minutes to let it all out,” Kahla said.

“I will say the one downside of a really long voice note, especially coming from someone you don’t get to catch up with much, is needing to use the notes app or a pen and paper to jot down everything they mention so you can address it in your response.”

Charlotte believes long voice messages are understandable if they’re done long-distance. “If your friend is local, a few minutes is all good, you’ll see them soon – 60 seconds max is way too short, though. If they’re overseas, huge voice note updates are a must.”

While Jess doesn’t agree with the 60-second rule, she prefers longer ones “broken up a bit in case I can’t listen to them in one go”.

For Maddi, the length isn’t a problem, though she does admit to listening to ‘waffling’ in double-speed if the app allows, it’s the gross sounds that may arise when you’re talking for that long.

“If you sneeze, cough, etc. while recording please for the love of God just start over,” she said.

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Hayes agreed that sounds inadvertently ending up in a message can be off-putting, and added that multitasking and background noises, such as a dog barking or a washing machine, makes it harder for the listener to hear.

“Don’t do two things at once; focus on recording the voice message, and that alone, not making dinner, eating – eating sounds are stomach churning to listen to in a voice message, walking around doing things around your house or outdoors near noisy traffic or crowds. All of these ‘activity’ noises are amplified in a voice message, making the listening of the message very unpleasant,” she said.  

“It might be OK [to record while doing something] if it’s super short, say 10 seconds, but anything over that is woeful, it’s fatiguing. Be considerate of the listener. Go to a quiet place, sit or stand still and record your message – your friends will thank you.”

If voice notes are repeatedly too long or hard to listen to its possible it can start having an impact on friendships because people will just stop listening. Voice notes can also get lost in chats and end up unheard or only listened to by some of the group.

“My only gripe with voice notes is that sometimes they can get missed in chats because it moves on with text messages before the voice notes have been listened to. I exchange voice notes with a friend that can go for five plus minutes (usually broken up over a few), but because we’ll want to text each other something a bit more urgent the voice messages either get missed or forgotten,” Jess said.

In Hayes’ friendship group, voice notes are their main form of communication, but she said it’s because they practice good etiquette.

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“My closest and dearest friendships are all maintained – between in-person visits – with voice memos as the primary means of communication. We love it because we respect each other with respectful, considerate notes,” she said. 

“No noisy background sounds, no excessively long messages or, if we do, we  acknowledge it upfront. This helps because it tells the other person we are aware the message is long; a simple acknowledgement or apology can take the annoyance out of many things. It’s someone’s lack of awareness that can be annoying, making someone wary that they will continue the less-than-welcome behaviour.”

Speaking of lack of awareness, another problem with voice notes is listening to them in public without headphones or ear buds.

This isn’t just annoying and disruptive, especially in settings like public transport, it shows a lack of respect for the friend’s privacy by unintentionally broadcasting their thoughts to the people in the vicinity.

“Listening to voice notes in public absolutely must be done with headphones. This is true for listening to any audio in public; public transport, cafés, restaurants, waiting at bus stops, in the workplace, whenever or wherever you are in earshot of another human, phone and computer audio must not be played on loudspeaker,” Hayes said.

“Use headphones – this is what headphones are for. My classic line for this is, ‘Your audio is for your ears, and your ears only’. This also includes no phone conversations on loudspeaker – it’s supremely annoying, and fatiguing, for those around you.”

If you do all of that when recording and listening to voice notes it’s more likely you’ll get your friends’ full attention and more effective and enjoyable communication all round.