Does having kids give you a pass on being a bad friend?

Growing Pains is a new weekly column on nine.com.au exploring the world of parenting – from the wins we publicly celebrate to the messy reality of raising a tiny human. Because despite what it looks like on social media, it’s not all aesthetic playrooms and effortless bliss.

There are three messages in my inbox from friends I’ve been meaning to reply to for over a week. The other day, I cancelled lunch with someone a few hours before we were meant to meet. On paper, it sounds like I’m a flake, not the kind of person you’d put up with for long. But if I told you I had a young kid, would it change your view of me?

Eighteen months ago, when I was in the newborn trenches, it felt OK to leave friends’ texts on read, to finally reply six days later. They’d get it – I had a brand new child to deal with. 

But now I have a toddler, I ironically have less time to keep in touch with friends, but feel like this flaky behaviour is not something I can get away with as easily. 

How do you explain to friends that you can only catch up between certain hours based on your kid’s nap schedule, or that you need to meet for coffee somewhere that has a playground attached where your kid can play? 

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Forget nappies and sleep schedules. The worst part of becoming a mum is making new friends

I don’t want my friends to feel like I’ve sidelined them, but the reality is they’re no longer as high on my list of priorities as before. 

Yes, I have made ‘mum friends’, who totally get the intricacies of navigating parenthood, who don’t mind if you cancel plans minutes before you’re meant to walk out the door.

But does having kids mean I have to let go of my friends I’ve had since high school and uni, just because we’re at different stages of life now? And is it OK for me to be a textbook ‘bad friend’ for five years and then crawl back to them once my kids are school-aged and things are easier?

From their end, it may look like I’m being selfish. But how do I explain I can’t remember the last time I prioritised my own needs?

I turned to an expert to get advice (and hopefully some validation).

Dr Naomi Malone, director of the Australian Association of Psychologists, told nine.com.au we can expect friendships to change and evolve as we pass through different life stages – but the key is working to maintain them. 

“Research suggests that friendships are more likely to last when they are built on flexibility, realistic expectations and a willingness to adapt,” she explained.

Naomi says yes, parenthood does genuinely reduce our time and emotional bandwidth, but we can’t forget people without kids have equally valid emotional needs. 

“Rather than expecting one person to simply wait, it’s healthier to openly acknowledge that the friendship may look different for a while.”

She says many friendships tend to fall apart around these times of change due to miscommunication. It’s easy to interpret reduced contact as rejection, which can turn into resentment. 

Thinking about prioritising communication in friendships is an interesting concept – in romantic relationships we hear over and over again how important it is to continually check in and chat about how you’re feeling, but we tend not to do the same with platonic friends. 

Especially for the people I’ve known since high school, where our relationships are baked in over years of shared history, it would feel almost silly to sit down and chat through our expectations. 

But Naomi says if we want healthy friendships, that’s what we need to do. We can’t just assume everyone’s on the same page. 

“I think of these conversations as an investment in the friendship. They create understanding and reduce the chance of our brains filling in the blanks with assumptions,” she said.

That doesn’t mean you need to schedule quarterly check-ins like an overzealous manager. Naomi says small gestures of connection – a text, a quick phone call or saying, “I haven’t forgotten about you” – can maintain closeness.

I will say there is one friend who I have actually gotten closer with since having a baby, despite us living two hours apart, having different lives, and only seeing each other every couple of months. 

That’s because we somehow fell into a rhythm of sending each other voice memos a few times a week, which we affectionately call podcast episodes, filling each other in. They’re mostly filled with mundane content about our lives, what we’re having for dinner, TV shows we’re watching. 

We record them in the car while driving, so it doesn’t feel like any extra lift on either of our parts, but it really works at keeping us connected. 

So if you’re in the same boat as me, looking around and mourning the change in your friendships since welcoming a kid, go easy on yourself. 

You don’t need to apologise for becoming a parent or for having less time than you once did. 

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The verdict on whether it’s ever too late notice to organise a catch-up with friends

What can be incredibly meaningful, however, is acknowledging that your availability has changed and reassuring your friend that the relationship still matters.

“The healthiest friendships aren’t necessarily the ones that never change,” says Naomi.

“They’re the ones where both people recognise that life will continue to change each of us, and they’re willing to keep getting to know one another through those changes.

“A little curiosity, clear communication and mutual grace can go a remarkably long way.”