'The best parenting advice I’ve ever got is also the hardest to follow'

Growing Pains is a new weekly column on nine.com.au exploring the world of parenting – from the wins we publicly celebrate to the messy reality of raising a tiny human. Because despite what it looks like on social media, it’s not all aesthetic playrooms and effortless bliss.

As a parent, there’s one thing I’m constantly doing.

Well, ok, there are a lot of things that I’m constantly doing, like saying “gentle hands” a hundred times a day, and stopping my toddler from eating random snacks he finds in the dirt.

But the other thing that’s always going on in my brain is comparing my kid, and my own parenting skills, to others.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a random mum I see in the park, a family on Instagram, or my closest friend, I’m always going to be sizing them up to see how we compare.

And I’m going to take a stab in the dark and assume that every other parent on Planet Earth is the same.

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It starts in the newborn stage when you’re comparing notes on contact naps and rolling over, continues through toddlerhood when you wonder why your child is the only one throwing books at the library, and persists well into teen and young adulthood when the endless stream of academic, social and personal achievements are just begging to be compared to those of their peers.

It doesn’t matter how many times we hear over and over that each kid is individual, that every one progresses at their own pace.

Intellectually, it’s a fact we can accept as truth, but emotionally, if a child the exact same age as yours has more skills or better manners than your own, it’s natural to question what you’re doing wrong. 

The one piece of parenting advice I’m always trying to keep in mind is that nothing good will ever come of these comparisons. At the end of the day, all my son needs is me, not the idealised version of a perfect parent that we all have in our head.

But how does one switch off the compulsive need to compare ourselves?

Comparison is a normal human process – in fact, some studies claim that as much as 12 per cent of our thoughts involve comparisons of some kind, which adds up to nearly two hours a day.

On a good day, comparison can be a positive thing, giving you motivation to improve or evaluate how you’re going. But other times (let’s be real, most of the time), it’s more a measure of self-worth, and a jumping-off point to examine everything you’re doing wrong, and, in this instance, how you’re failing your child. 

There’s a reason that “comparison is the thief of joy” is a well-known saying.

It makes us miserable and envious, and paradoxically, can lead to us being worse parents. Parenthood comes with its own set of very large and very all-consuming problems; all comparison does is add to that mental load. 

If you’re on social media, then it’s downright impossible to ignore the constant influx of mums and kids who you should be comparing your own situation to. The algorithm loves nothing more than serving you up picture-perfect examples of what you’d love your life to be like.

It’s handy when you’re in need of a weeknight recipe for busy mums or decor ideas for your kids’ playroom. But that often comes with a healthy dose of insecurity.

The sparkling kitchens, the well-behaved kids in the background, the high-tech toys all arranged perfectly. Meanwhile, you spend two hours a day cleaning just for your house to look only kind of presentable.

I don’t need to tell you that Instagram is just a highlight reel – you already know that. But again, it’s a tricky mantra to remember most of the time.

I’m no parenting expert, just a mum trying to get through it all while enjoying the pockets of joy when they come. So I’m not here with any advice, no sage wisdom of how to leave comparison in the past and fully embrace your kids as they are, quirks and all. 

I’m only two years into my parenting journey and, over time, I’ve been able to slowly turn down the volume on the comparisons that pop into my head when I see kids the same age as my son. 

They’ll always be there, but with practice, I’m hoping they can be tucked away into a corner of my brain I don’t access very much. 

Comparison is inevitable. Just don’t let it get in the way of your parenting.