It ‘takes a village’ to raise a child – and new mums are finding it in an unlikely place

Growing Pains is a new weekly column on nine.com.au exploring the world of parenting – from the wins we publicly celebrate to the messy reality of raising a tiny human. Because despite what it looks like on social media, it’s not all aesthetic playrooms and effortless bliss.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. But there’s no such thing as that traditional “village”′ any more. 

The “village” new mums once relied on – whether extended family, close-knit communities, or even just friends and neighbours lending a hand – is mostly gone. 

We live further from family, grandparents are retiring later, we’re all feeling economic pressure, and there’s been a shift away from community toward individualism.

There’s no one place to put the blame, but the upshot is that, despite some rare exceptions, most of us are parenting without the extended support network that mothers of generations before us could rely on. 

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So it’s no surprise millennial and Gen Z mums are turning to digital villages to find support, sympathy, and solutions. What is surprising is how effective it really can be. 

Cut to me, at 3am holding a dozing newborn who won’t sleep anywhere other than on my chest, bleary-eyed and scrolling through my phone to find any proof possible I’m not failing as a mother. 

The thing about the internet is that with the right amount of searching and clicking, you’ll be able to find someone in the exact situation as you. And most of the time, that’ll be on Reddit. 

Back then, I was overwhelmed, plugging every question I had into Google. Almost all of my searches led me to various Reddit threads, where I was able to find people who were asking the same niche questions that I was. 

The more time I spent on Reddit, the more I realised it wasn’t just answers I was looking for (though I got plenty of those). It was the reassurance that my specific situation really wasn’t all that rare. 

When my son was nine months old and still waking up crying every two hours, it felt like I would never sleep a full night again. But reading stories from mums on Reddit in identical situations, who finally found peace once their kid turned one, gave me a little more strength to not give up. 

Now my son is almost two and has more pent-up energy than I’ve ever seen in a kid. Comparing him to other kids in the neighbourhood makes me feel like I have a lunatic on my hands, and seeing mums on Instagram doing calm activities with their children every afternoon makes me feel crazy. Why won’t my son sit still and build a rocket ship out of an Amazon box, too?

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But taking my queries to Reddit, I found mums in the same situation, who have to just spend every morning and afternoon running around the park/beach/oval/shopping centre/playground because it’s the only thing that will keep their sons happy. It’s tiring, but hey, at least now I know it’s normal. 

TikTok and Instagram often commodify motherhood; the people there making the most noise are the ones making money off showing off the ‘good sides’ of being a parent. On these apps, we’re met with aesthetic nurseries, kids who eat their vegetables without complaint, and $2000 prams being taken for walks where the babies don’t cry once. 

But Reddit feels like a safe place to admit you’ve been co-sleeping for months or your toddler knows most Cocomelon videos off by heart – and you’ll be met with sympathy rather than scolding. 

Perhaps the fact it’s anonymous allows new parents to feel more comfortable sharing candid frustrations without hesitation.

I know I sure wouldn’t complain about my partner on Facebook, where I’d be worried some backend glitch could share it to my wall – but on Reddit, no one knows a thing about me.

Now, I’m not out here saying to take every Reddit thread as gospel – there are a lot of wack jobs out there. Take everything you read with a massive pinch of salt, and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you to never use it as medical advice.

But it’s a good place to start, whether you’re looking for help, venting, or just some comfort that other mums are struggling to raise little gremlins who thrive off not sleeping, too. 

My go-to subreddits, if you’re looking for somewhere to start:

• r/BabyBumpsandBeyondAU (Aussie specific)
• r/breakingmom
• r/ScienceBasedParenting
• r/NewParents
• r/breastfeeding
• r/ModeratelyGranolaMoms