The verdict on whether it’s ever too late notice to organise a catch-up with friends

It’s never felt harder to organise a catch-up with friends; busy schedules, kids, health issues, weather and more make it hard to coordinate a time and day that works for everyone. This can result in get-togethers being organised weeks, if not months in advance just to ensure everyone can make it.

But what if you wanted to hang out tomorrow or even tonight? Is there such a thing as ‘too late notice’ and how can we arrange a catch-up at shorter notice without annoying our mates?

According to etiquette expert Jo Hayes and Relationships Australia National Executive Officer, Nick Tebbey, the answer is “it depends”.

“Some groups operate really well with minimal notice… This sort of thing would be fine for, say, work colleagues … it’s not a super important social gathering, they might do this sort of thing every week or so, no big deal if you can’t make it with such short notice,” Hayes told nine.com.au.

“On the other hand, this would be completely inappropriate for say, a group of friends, perhaps friends from high school, who only get together twice a year. Sending such a message six hours in advance is not at all OK.  

“This is because the event is more ‘rare and special’ … missing it means you likely won’t see these friends for another six months.

“Those who can’t re-arrange plans at the last minute, or who don’t actually see the message until the next day or later, will likely be sad to miss out. Such a social catch up usually requires a couple of weeks’ notice.”

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For anything considered last-minute, Tebbey said it’s “never too late to try” but we should adjust our expectations and be respectful when asking the question, especially if you’re suggesting an alternative to plans that have fallen through.

“There’s definitely nothing wrong with doing that, but you just do it in a way that goes, ‘I appreciate this may not be possible for everyone, or might be too much of a burden on some so let’s just put it out there and see what happens’,”

“The old saying of ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained’ really does apply, I think, in a situation like that.”

Hayes said knowing what works for each group in terms of notice time increases the chance everyone can attend.

“Establish what is ideal/necessary for the specific group, and plan accordingly,” she said.  

“If most group members need at least a week’s notice to organise travel or childcare, such as a group of 30-year-old mums, then at least a week’s notice is necessary to optimise the likelihood that all can attend, and avoid disappointment.”

But if your group meet-ups are only rare because you can’t find a day and time that works for everyone every time, and not because of circumstances like geography, then it might be time to relax the rules a little.

“If we can be a little bit more open to … things changing and evolving and looking different from time to time, then that takes a bit of the pressure off ourselves that everything’s got to be perfect or got to be in a certain way,” Tebbey said.

“And it means, probably, we’re going to enjoy those catch-ups that we can make it to much more.”

Having an understanding among the group that it’s OK if not everyone can make it helps transform a rare get-together to a more frequent meet up. It also means worrying about short notice becomes less of an issue.

Tebbey said establishing this upfront or when you realise it’s impacting your group is helpful.

“We would love to think that everyone can be at everything we do, but we have to accept that’s just not possible. And if that’s the reason why something doesn’t go ahead, that can really limit our chances of socialising and everything,” he said.

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“You don’t want people to feel like they’re being intentionally left out, or it’s always being put on a night when they can’t come because that’s when they’ve got band practice or whatever it might be.

“But nevertheless we’ll hope that in the grand scheme of things, when it all washes out in the end, everyone will have been to as many as possible and all the ones that they could.”

With so many ways to communicate these days, how do we invite everyone out? 

Hayes recommends choosing a messaging platform that all members of the specific group are on and actually using. 

“We all have friends/family members who aren’t on Facebook, or use Viber instead of  WhatsApp,” she said.

“Ensure all group members are in on the planning or, at the very least, in the case of, say, an older relative not having any social media communication, ensure another group member is able to easily keep them in the loop.”

It’s also helpful to have a group chat just for organising catch-ups, so the important details don’t get lost among the chatter.

“Unless this is a social group that regularly banters about random life things, this is usually not the place to bring in other random bits of information, and thus start a long thread of conversation, with the catchup plans being buried in the middle of it all,” Hayes said. 

And if you find that the catch-ups are organised with too short notice for you or some of the group, or that they are so few and far between you’re missing out on maintaining your relationship, then communicate that to the group respectfully, and you might just find you get to see a lot more of each other.