'We searched for answers for years': Father's quest to find meaning after death of first child

It has been 10 years since Shady and Kirsten lost their son Luca when he was just three months old.

"We have a few friends who had babies around about the same time as we had Luca, and just watching those kids at 10, [we're] then wondering what Luca would have turned out to be," he tells 9honey.

The couple would go on to have three more children, sons Christian, Marco, and Nicholas, all of whom are "very, very different."

"We often sit there and wonder what kind of personality Luca would have had," Shady, 36, says.

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"I think that's really the hardest thing for us."

Luca's 10th birthday would have fallen on July 11.

"It's another year gone by. What would he have been like? What sports would he have liked to play? How would he have been at school? What he would have looked like?" the Sydney dad says.

While he admits the first five birthdays following Luca's sudden death were "really, really sad", he said these days they can think happier thoughts.

Luca's cause of death has never been determined, falling under SUDI – sudden unexpected death in infancy.

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"He was super unsettled, a really bad sleeper, he was not an easy baby," Shady recalls.

"He couldn't control his head really well. We searched for answers for years."

The day Luca died, Kirsten put him down for a nap. Shady recalls his son making some "unusual noises."

A short time later, despite their best efforts to perform CPR, he was gone.

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They welcomed their second child the following year and "kind of didn't let him sleep."

"We were very, very paranoid," he recalls.

By the time their second and third sons arrived, they lost that paranoia "to a certain extent."

Shady and Kirsten know how lucky they are to have their three beautiful boys, but also suffer from the loss of Luca.

Shortly after his death they were contacted by Red Nose Australia, but were incapacitated by grief.

Thankfully, they were surrounded by "a really big support network in terms of friends" and Shady's "really big family."

While their loved ones did their best to support them, it was Red Nose Australia that was quietly in the background, their only message being, "We understand, we feel your pain."

Shady has also found solace in raising funds for Red Nose Australia in a series of endurance events with Kirsten's admiration and support.

"We're strong together, we're very aligned in how we support Red Nose and the foundation and the cause," he says.

Shady had never participated in such events before. The furthest he had ever run was five kilometres. His first event raising funds for Red Nose Australia was a 42-kilometre marathon.

"It was tough, but there's something beautiful about actually running alone and switching off. I rarely switch off. And when I switch off, I'm grateful for being able to," he explains.

"I find a sense of peace when I run. I cry when I run."

Following the marathon was a blistering trek. This year, Shady plans to cycle over 300 kilometres non-stop.

"I hope that this year, maybe at the gym, we can have Red Nose set up a little stand and just create that awareness for mums and dads that have been through the same experience that I've been through and are blaming themselves or trying to take accountability for what happened, which is probably the toughest thing to go through as a parent," he says.

"I think everybody in life does experience a loss at some stage. It's simply unavoidable, right?

:But I suppose sharing our pain with others or those around us is where we experience some sort of healing in that space. I'm a really strong believer in that."

He says raising funds for Red Nose Australia is also about honouring Luca.

"The level of depth that they are prepared to go into with parents is unimaginable," he says.

"I think so many people out there would be lost without the Red Nose Foundation because, without a strong family or friend network, you actually find yourself alone."

Red Nose Day will be held on Friday 9th August, to register an event, buy merchandise or make a donation to save little lives, visit rednoseday.org.au