'What your single friends wish you understood about dating apps'

To all the people who scrunch their noses at me for being on dating apps: please, just stop it.

When you’re single, happy couples and older generations love to offer insights like, “Why don’t you go out and meet someone?” or “You know, statistically you are more likely to meet the one at work?”

Well, lovers and nanas, take a look around you. The reality of modern dating is that no one looks up from their phones long enough for those real-time interactions to happen.

This was perfectly illustrated by one of my 9Honey colleagues who recently wrote about how appalled she was observing a man on the train use Tinder.

Nat was shocked by how shallow and “game-like” his swiping process was, and it made her realise how glad she is to have a partner of 13 years, therefore allowing her to escape the era of digital dating.

Dating apps suck, and that is the biggest secret among us singletons. It’s not a fun carefree buffet of love interests - it’s a dark world of non-existent conversations and strange Instagram follows.

The level of d--k-headery (it’s a word, trust me) that you come across is momentous. Not to mention the bane of my existence: the ‘f---boys’.

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I cannot tell you the number of times I have deleted the apps and sworn off them for life, only to find myself reinstalling them a couple months later. It’s a vicious cycle.

The nature of apps like Tinder essentially forces to be completely shallow and flick people aside based on what they look like. 

Swiping through dozens of grainy pics of people – who don’t know how to take a clear selfie or pose like a normal person – isn’t fun. I would much prefer to step on a tiny piece of Lego.

To top it off, there’s your own anxiety of having the ‘right’ photos to attract the ‘right’ kind of people – or to even catch someone’s attention long enough for them to swipe right (ha, see what I did there…?)

There’s the mulling over your ‘bio’ - how much info is too much? Who cares about how ‘punny’ I am? Do I put my Instagram handle? Or will I look like a wanker?

Then, after the match comes the ‘What do I open with?’

Don’t be too boring or he won’t write back. Don’t try being too funny because he may think you’re a complete weirdo (which I 100 per cent am – and proud of it, sistas).

Personally, I like to open with sending the ‘lemon’ emoji, followed by, “Sorry, I couldn’t find an opening lime.” Classic.

LISTEN: The Life Bites podcast explores the best strategies for overcoming FOMO. (Post continues.)

I think the real issue with modern dating, and our reliance on apps to make it happen, is the lost art of conversation. 

The idea of “going out and meeting someone” is great, but no one is brave enough to approach a stranger nowadays. The security of hiding behind your screen is just too easy.

No one even dares to say hello to one another in the elevator any more, and you are most certainly kidding yourself if you think people spark up conversations on public transport. You are lucky to not be crucified for coughing loudly.

Before you begin thinking, ‘Well, what’s stopping you from approaching someone?’, I do it. Often. Let me assure you: nine times out of 10, you’re looked at like a complete looney or you simply get ignored.

So, for now I’ll to stick to being blissfully single, while avoiding people just like this: