Money Manners: 'My partner buys me gifts I can't afford to reciprocate'

Money Manners is Honey Money's weekly column that deals with money etiquette matters that can be the cause of many an awkward encounter.

Submit your Money Manners questions to Jo Abi at jabi@nine.com.au

This week's question comes via a 9Honey staffer who is facing a relationship dilemma.

Question: 'My partner buys me gifts I can't afford to reciprocate'

My partner and I have been together for four years and he's very generous when it comes to gifts, even though he knows I can't afford to reciprocate.

He tells me giving me gifts makes him happy, and that he likes to give me things.

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But his gifts make me feel unhappy, because I can't afford to buy him gifts as often as he buys them for me or anywhere near as expensive as the ones he buys me. It has gotten to the point that I try not to mention anything I like or want because I know he will go out and buy it for me.

And he seems so happy and excited as I open them, I don't want to upset him by explaining how unhappy it makes me.

Just this weekend he gave me a $350 Swarovski watch which is beautiful, but I couldn't afford to buy him a watch if I wanted to.

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I understand gifts for my birthday and Christmas, and maybe our anniversary, but every month is too much.

Since we began dating I have tried to keep things even when it comes to money, even though I earn less than he does. I don't want gifts, I just want to hold hands and snuggle on the lounge, maybe go out to dinner.

Now I am dreading Christmas because I know he will have gotten me something amazing and way more expensive than what I have gotten for him.

Answer: 'I'm going to have to give you some homework'

One of the first conversations I had with my partner was about love languages based on the book The 5 Love Languages. Basically we each have a different love language when it comes to how we express love and how we want to receive love.

The five love languages are:

Words of Affirmation;

Quality Time;

Gifts;

Acts of Service;

Physical Touch.

Your partner expresses his love for you by giving you gifts. It sounds like your love language, however, is spending quality time together and/or physical touch.

I understand that you don't want to upset your partner, especially when giving you presents makes him so happy. But he assumes they make you happy, which is where he is going wrong.

If your relationship is to continue to develop in a healthy way, it's worth doing the love languages quiz online with him so he can better understand why his gift-giving isn't landing the way he assumes it is.

This is seriously one of the best conversations you can have with your partner and after I explained this to my partner he pulled back on buying me gifts, and I tried to accept any gifts he gave me as they were intended.

This conversation can lead into a more general one about money and budgets. It doesn't sound like you are living together yet, but once you are, you'll want things to be as evenly split as possible.

That being said, don't split hairs too much. Your partner sounds amazing and generous and you certainly don't sound like you would ever take advantage of him!

This is a communication issue that, once solved, will help you manage your budgets and relationships going forward.

And can I just add, when you have been with someone for four years and are planning to build a life together, everything doesn't have to be even when it comes to money spent. That's a recipe for disaster. You bring plenty of other things to the relationship other than gifts and he would know that.

The information provided on this website is general in nature only and does not constitute personal financial advice. The information has been prepared without taking into account your personal objectives, financial situation or needs. Before acting on any information on this website you should consider the appropriateness of the information having regard to your objectives, financial situation and needs.

Some details have been changed to protect anonymity.