When did self-care advice become so toxic?
Updated . First published
I’m all for self-care. One of my proudest achievements as a mother has been to teach my children how to make time for it to avoid stress and burnout, having never learned these skills myself.
This is of particular importance for my teenage daughter, who is juggling her senior years of high school with working, a full and active social life and attending dance school. Her spare time is precious.
Life is busy, and sometimes self-care is hard to implement. Jo Abi
I have taught her the importance of honouring that spare time; of having periods when nothing is scheduled and doing absolutely nothing. (According to my younger colleague Casey, this is now called ‘LDAR’, or Lay Down And Rot.)
But apparently, that isn’t good enough for me.
My self-care means long periods of time away from my children and away from work, weeks-long holidays, spa stays I can’t afford and a myriad of other social media trends feeding into my algorithms, preaching the need for a certain version of self-care.
Put your oxygen mask on first! You deserve time away! You must implement self-care, or you won’t be able to work/parent/function, and life as you know it will end!
The problem is, being pressured to implement self-care is stressing me out even more.
It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong by not booking an overseas holiday or spending time in a day spa.
I just really don’t want to. That’s not self-care for me.
For me, self-care serves me best in micro-doses. I’m busy. I love my work. I love being with my kids. I don’t want anything to take me away from either of these things. Some people need long stretches of time away to decompress. We are all different.
A spa day isn't a realistic version of self-care for me. Jo Abi
Self-care for me needs to be more doable, and I have lots of ways I do it – going for a walk and listening to a podcast; sitting in the car for a few minutes when I get home and listening to music; spending an hour in the bathroom having a hot bath or doing my hair.
Sometimes I sit in the sun in my backyard for a few minutes. Other times I’ll get a coffee and a little cake at a local cafe.
It seems I’m not the only one who has landed on micro-self-care as a way to get through the day. In fact, a nine.com.au survey revealed many more genius ways to implement this.
Self-care in small does is much more doable, and enjoyable for me. Nine
“Dare I say it... a little scroll on TikTok,” one said.
“Also, buying a takeaway coffee in a café. It’s one of those things where I know I could save money by not doing it, but it takes minutes and is such a lovely way to feel a bit of community.
“Café staff and baristas are often such friendly people, and the ritual of grabbing a drink and having a little low-stakes chat really lifts my mood when I need a boost.”
Another said: “Letting myself ‘couch rot’ and binge eight episodes of a show in one day if I need it.”
“I love spending more money on a bougie little coffee than I can really afford,” added another.
“I’m talking a $10 iced latte with banana bread syrup and salted cold foam. Don’t need it, can’t afford it, but it brings me a little 10 minutes of joy in a day.”
“I’m a big fan of a quick walk, even just around the block. Listen to a couple of songs I love. Just gives you back a little headspace and doesn’t need to take long,” another suggested.
My partner and I go for short walks before dinner to chat and decompress. Jo Abi
“Buying an overpriced $10 cookie. Wouldn’t do it every day but as a little treat when I’m having a bad day,” was one delicious suggestion.
Another person said they aim to go to a local market in Sydney on a Sunday “just for a mooch around”.
“I’ll buy a bunch of $15 flowers, preferably sunflowers, and some cool, colourful tomatoes for no reason but just because I like them, and it feels like I’m in some quaint Italian marketplace,” she added.
Surrounding myself with kittens and cats is also self-care for me. Jo Abi
“I get home, put fresh flowers in a vase, grind some sea salt on some beefy tomatoes, and it’s the perfect weekend reset ritual and takes 10 minutes.”
Sandy Rea, one of Australia’s leading psychologists, told nine.com.au that while self-care is a good thing “in principle”, it can easily be a “brief five-minute rest, time alone, or simply a text with a friend”.
Self-care is important because it has mental and physical health benefits including “creating an opportunity and time to reduce stress and anxiety, improve one’s mood and calm one’s nervous system,” she said.
However, it is important to implement self-care in a way that works for you.
Time out from one's usual, busy schedule is sometimes all we need. Jo Abi
And food treats are always an instant boost. Jo Abi
“Establish what tires you the most and then what you can do to give yourself some respite. Remember it can only be five minutes.
“And it’s a slippery slide when we use the term ‘self-care’ if one spends many hours focusing on oneself or spending a lot of money on these self-care items.
“Self-preoccupation is not self-care. Excess self-care can lead to loneliness avoidance of feelings, guilt or anxiety or misusing the term when it is really self-indulgence.”
