I texted my ex and he didn’t reply. Here’s why you shouldn’t make the same mistake

I recently broke the cardinal rule of ex-girlfrienddom: I picked up my phone, dusted the proverbial cobwebs off a long-barren chat thread, and texted my ex.

The effect was instantaneous: a regret so all-consuming, I was overcome by the need to warn others against making the same mistake. If you’re weighing up the pros and cons of breaking no contact, I can only hope the following will be your sign not to.

To set the scene, it was his birthday – potentially the most dangerous, emotionally tumultuous day in an ex-girlfriend’s calendar year. I knew the instant I opened my eyes that morning he would, unfortunately, be hearing from me.

Without doing a deep-dive into the exact wording, it was a message to the effect of “happy birthday, hope you had a good one.” Concise, to the point, no frills. Nothing too disastrous, right?

WRONG.

My attempt at extending an olive branch was met with complete radio silence – a response (or lack thereof) only those privy to the nature of the breakup could grasp the sheer hilarity of.

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Nothing humbles you quite as much as the betrayal of a man who wanted you first – except perhaps cricket chirps and tumbleweeds in response to a happy birthday text.

Deep down, I knew it was a recipe for disaster before even taking that leap. I knew it’d be best to let sleeping dogs lie – I simply believed decades’ worth of anecdotal evidence and countless verbal warnings did not apply to me.

Ego bruised, tail between my legs, I did one of the few things one can do after a blunder of such magnitude: Ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen, or seek the counsel of a friend or expert.

Opting for the latter, I spoke to dating expert Melissa Ferrari, who was quick to outline every downside you should consider before sending that risky text.

1. It can interrupt the process of moving forward

At the end of the day, the priority following a breakup is getting yourself out of your funk and reclaiming your spark. According to Ferrari, hitting Send runs the risk of prolonging the grief associated with the split – and delaying true emotional acceptance in the process.

She told nine.com.au that creating distance is key when it comes to processing the loss – and adjusting to a life that may no longer include that person.

When sending that forbidden text, you run the risk of drawing feelings to the surface that had finally begun to settle, potentially catapulting yourself back into patterns you’d been working to move away from.

“That doesn’t mean you should suppress your feelings or pretend the relationship didn’t matter. Allowing yourself to experience the loss is important. But sometimes distance is necessary to do that without continually being drawn back towards the other person,” Ferrari said.

2. You may be seeking reassurance rather than communication

This is a safe space to be totally honest with yourself: Are you looking to talk to this person because you miss them, or are you just desperately hoping for some small sign they haven’t gotten over you?

In my experience, my well-meaning birthday wish was also intended as a way to test the waters – and Ferrari clocked me on this immediately.

“Sometimes what looks like communication is actually a request for reassurance – do they still care about me? Do they miss me? Do I still matter to them?” she said.

“If your emotional wellbeing becomes dependent on how your ex responds, you are placing something very important in somebody else’s hands.”

Sometimes, simply envisaging the ego hit they’d get upon seeing your message is just enough motivation to deter you from sending it at all.

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It positions you as overly available instead of moving forward, and the last thing you want is to seem as though you’re having trouble moving on.

3. You can reopen hope without anything actually changing

It’s all about that pesky dopamine loop – a reply can often trigger false hope and obsessive waiting, while a lack thereof can send you into a spiral.

Either way, Ferrari has urged would-be ex-texters to consider the fact that communication is not always the gateway to reconciliation.

“A warm response can reignite hope even though none of the reasons the relationship ended have changed,” she said.

She said it’s also important not to confuse familiarity with compatibility.

“Sometimes what we miss is the familiarity, connection and sense of belonging that came with the relationship. Missing those feelings doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship itself was right for us.”

4. You may be breaking a boundary that exists for a reason

If you’re umming and ahhing about whether to reach out to an ex – chances are that it’s because you haven’t spoken for quite some time.

Ferrari stressed that if you have previously agreed to go no contact, or else have come to the conclusion yourself that some distance is necessary, it’s crucial you remember why the boundary was created in the first place.

“Boundaries aren’t about punishing another person or proving that you don’t care. They can provide both people with the emotional space they need,” she said.

Ultimately, pushing these boundaries in the hopes you’ll receive a response won’t yield your desired outcome – and will often only serve to drive your ex further away, and reset your progress to zero.

5. You may not be prepared for the emotional consequences

Expecting closure? In your dreams.

I’m going to hold your hand when I say this: If you’re seeking the elusive explanation as to why they did what they did or, even rarer, an actual apology, you can forget it. Because chances are you won’t get it.

“What happens if they don’t reply? What happens if the response is cold or distant? Equally, what happens if they respond warmly and suddenly you find yourself wanting the relationship back?” Ferrari asked.

“If one of those outcomes would be particularly difficult for you to manage, you may not be ready to make contact.”

Take it from someone who made the mistake – the temporary relief associated with firing off a risky text oftentimes gives way to regret almost instantly.

“The relationship may stop, but our feelings don’t necessarily stop at the same time ... it is understandable there will be moments when you want to reach out. The important distinction is between experiencing that feeling and acting on it,” Ferrari said.

What to do if (God forbid) you’ve already sent that text

So, the sage advice of a stranger wasn’t enough to deter you? That’s OK. You’re forgiven.

Because when push comes to shove, if you’ve already sent that text and are, like me, reaping the consequences, the most important thing to do is show yourself a little love.

Reaching out to somebody you once cared deeply about is a very human thing to do, whether you acted out of loneliness, hope, sadness – or simply because you missed them.

“I think we need to be compassionate with ourselves around this,” Ferrari agreed.

As actor Ethan Hawke wisely imparted during a recent viral Oscars interview, “The one who loves always wins.”