Ali looked like a happy new mum. Privately, she was falling apart

Exclusive: To the outside world, Ali Minichello seemed like a happy new mum. But behind closed doors, she was struggling with a secret she felt too ashamed to share.

After giving birth to her first baby, she was left with severe physical trauma – including urinary incontinence and a pelvic organ prolapse.

The Melbourne mum was suddenly forced to navigate these injuries while her husband, Andrew, worked night shifts as a police officer.

Cut off from friends and family during COVID lockdowns while caring for a newborn with severe colic, Ali became depressed.

Exercise was impossible, and her sleep deprivation grew so severe she started seeing double while breastfeeding her daughter, Claudia.

Despite her injuries, the exhaustion and crippling anxiety, Ali felt immense pressure to seem like she was coping.

“I felt like I would seem ungrateful or unfit to be a mother if I complained,” she tells nine.com.au.

“Only my husband was privy to my internal world ... I was an expert at keeping my dirty little secret hidden.”

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A message for mums who have just been through a traumatic birth

Across Australia, women recovering from traumatic births and postnatal depression say they are concealing the reality of motherhood behind a mask of forced gratitude – terrified of admitting they are struggling if their baby is healthy.

Many describe smiling through visitors, milestone photos and conversations about their “beautiful baby” while privately battling.

“The narrative going into motherhood was the same from everyone: ‘Enjoy every minute’ and ‘soak it all up’. No one seemed to be frank about just how challenging motherhood can be.”

For some mums, the pressure to always feel grateful makes it even harder to speak up.

According to PANDA’s – Australia’s perinatal mental health helpline – Anxiety Lived Experience Survey, between December 2025 and January 2026, more than one in five respondents said healthcare providers did not ask about their mental health during pregnancy or after birth.

Of respondents who were asked about their mental health, 20 per cent felt their concerns were treated generically, with providers just ‘ticking a box’ and not offering adequate support or referrals.

It’s an experience that often forces parents into silence. Ariane Beeston, director of clinical content at COPE – Australia’s peak body in perinatal mental health – says this instinct to hide trauma carries a devastating cost.

“Admitting that you’re finding it hard, that you’re struggling, can seem like a failure and feel incredibly shameful,” she says.

“Some women are also terrified that if they’re too honest and vulnerable about how they’re feeling, their baby might be taken from them.”

Clinical psychologist and PANDA chief executive Julie Borninkhof agrees that many women are deeply ashamed to discuss their struggles.

“We hear parents speak about feelings of guilt and shame when their baby is healthy, but they feel sad, depressed, anxious and not enjoying things they used to enjoy.”

She says these feelings are normal and “not a sign that someone is a bad parent.”

Borninkhof says conversations after birth still overwhelmingly centre on the baby, while the mother’s recovery receives far less attention: “The mental health of mum and dad is often secondary, if asked about at all.”

Many mums view the six-week postnatal check as the moment they are expected to be fully healed – an assumption she strongly challenges.

“When you consider it takes two years for the body, hormones and organs to really recover from birth, six weeks is such a short time to expect someone to be feeling ready for exercise, sex, or even driving,” she explains.

Ali’s experience of feeling blindsided by the realities of childbirth is shared by parents nationwide – even those with professional training in mental health.

Psychologist Shari Hendriks checked into hospital feeling fully prepared for her vaginal delivery.

In the lead up, she attended birthing classes, practised mindfulness exercises, and saw a women’s physiotherapist.

But once she was admitted, everything changed.

“I ended up having an induction, two failed epidurals, an obstructed labour, an emergency c-section and a postpartum haemorrhage.

“I realised that all of the preparation did not cover how to respond when things don’t go to plan.”

Hendriks went on to struggle with vivid flashbacks, nightmares, and significant physical pain. She says the prolonged labour and emergency surgery left her feeling “let down” and disconnected from her own body.

Beeston, who is also a psychologist and author, lived through a remarkably similar situation. She emphasises that, unfortunately, you can’t prepare your way out of a traumatic birth.

“You can know all the facts and ‘myths’ of motherhood ... and still be shocked when it happens to you,” she says.

“Perinatal mental illness doesn’t discriminate; anyone can be impacted, and no one should feel they need to suffer in silence.”

While recovering, Hendriks joined a hospital-run postpartum physio class. Once other mums learned she was a psychologist, several privately shared their birth stories with her.

“It was a moment of sheer horror for me to see how little women were being provided with systematic high-quality (or basic) care for their physical and emotional recovery ... and how much they felt they had to fend for themselves,” she says.

Women spoke about severe tearing, frightening emergency deliveries, and babies being taken away to special care without explanation.

Some described being treated roughly by staff, with no one explaining medical processes or even remembering their name.

Postpartum advocate and Bare Mum founder Amelie Cazzulino was diagnosed with endometrial polyps and a breast hamartoma during her pregnancy.

While many women are thoroughly prepared for pregnancy and labour, she says they receive little guidance about the physical and emotional fallout that can follow.

Cazzulino says many feel trapped by the toxic expectation that they should appear unconditionally happy once their baby arrives.

“There is this unspoken idea that because you have a healthy baby, you should only feel grateful. And of course, you can be deeply grateful,” she says.

“But you can also be in pain, overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious or grieving the version of yourself you were before.”

She argues postpartum recovery is still too often dismissed as a matter of self-care.

“The postpartum period changes almost every part of a woman’s life – her body, hormones, sleep, identity, relationships, confidence and mental health,” Cazzulino says.

“Even when someone looks ‘fine’ from the outside, she may be navigating pain, feeding challenges, anxiety, loneliness or a complete loss of autonomy.”

While maternal mental health is now discussed more openly, medical leaders acknowledge that the system still fails to catch many who are struggling.

The Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RANZCOG) is the peak medical body responsible for the education and advocacy of doctors specialising in women’s health.

Its president, Dr Nisha Khot, says PANDA’s findings regarding the gap in mental health screening by health providers are “certainly concerning.”

Khot notes that while primary healthcare providers largely deliver postpartum care, the specialty college recognises that a mother’s physical and emotional recovery must be prioritised alongside her baby’s health.

“Recovery following childbirth is highly individual,” Khot tells nine.com.au.

“For some women, the impacts of birth trauma, physical injury, or mental health challenges can extend well beyond the traditional six-week review.”

She adds that birth trauma and postnatal mental health challenges have long-term impacts on entire families, and that workforce pressures and fragmented models of care remain significant barriers to support – particularly in regional areas.

“There is more work to do to ensure all women receive equitable, compassionate, and comprehensive care,” Dr Khot says.

A Department of Health, Disability and Ageing spokesperson says the government is working with states and territories to strengthen mental health screening and follow‑up care for new and expectant parents, including through the National Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Agreement.

“While states and territories are responsible for maternity and postpartum care, the Commonwealth is working collaboratively to improve integration between physical recovery and mental health supports, including through national programs and partnerships that support parents experiencing birth trauma and perinatal distress.”

It’s also funding Monash University to update pregnancy care guidelines and develop new postnatal guidelines to improve outcomes for mothers and babies.

Anyone having trouble coping with pregnancy or new parenthood, or wanting to help someone who may be struggling, can visit panda.org.au or call the PANDA Helpline on 1300 726 306.

To find help and support, you can also search the COPE Directory.

If you or someone you know needs support, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue.