'An open letter to mums who have just been through a traumatic birth'

WARNING: This article deals with birth trauma and may be triggering for some readers

To the mum who just went through a traumatic birth,

I'm so sorry.

I know you must be hurting, scared and sad.

I know you might feel a bit abandoned and confused.

I know you might even feel disregarded and guilty, especially when people try to offer you words of support.

I know your body feels broken.

I know, because I've been there.

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The day I delivered my first child was, of course, incredible in so many ways.

It was amazing to finally welcome this tiny person that I had been dreaming about and feeling kick inside my tummy for nine months.

It was amazing to see my husband crying tears of joy as our baby was pulled out.

It was amazing to see him scream out 'It's a boy'. We had kept his gender a surprise.

It was amazing to hold my little boy to my chest for the first time. Only then to have him whisked away to the NICU for tests.

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Amid the drugs and the commotion, I was of course over the moon.

But the entire experience was also very traumatic.

I remember screaming for an epidural for hours and hours in the middle of the night.

I remember the nurse saying 'sorry, you're not dilating'.

The Cervidil tape for my induction had caused extreme contractions, but no one knew that at the time.

I remember howling in pain.

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I remember the obstetrician on duty saying my baby was in distress and needed to be helped out with a vacuum or forceps. Only I didn't get to choose.

I remember him saying that he may need to perform an episiotomy. I remember trying to recall what that meant and being terrified at the thought of being cut. This was not in the birth course brochure.

I remember looking down at the forceps clamped around my baby's head.

I remember my baby not crying immediately.

I remember asking if he was okay and about eight people in the delivery suite.

I remember someone telling me I had lost a lot of blood.

I remember being alone in a tiny hospital room afterward sobbing with no baby and no husband. I have never felt so alone.

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I remember a series of midwives and nurses coming in and out of the room. A blur of kind faces and different accents.

I remember trying to sit up and feeling the catheter between my legs.

Except that I didn't know what it was or why it was there.

I remember pressing the button for help and my husband coming to see me after being with our baby.

I remember him telling me he had to watch as they tried to find a vein in our baby's tiny arm as he needed antibiotics.

I felt so anxious. I felt so broken.

Then, I remember the nurse finally bringing my baby to me.

He had a cannula in his little pink arm and it was hard to hold him comfortably. And bruises and cuts on his head from the forceps.

I remember the midwife showing me how to breastfeed.

I felt so awkward. Finally, I got him to latch, but god it hurt.

I remember the third morning, he wouldn't stop screaming and wanting to feed.

Why would my baby not stop crying?

'Oh, didn't you know about the feeding frenzy?', the midwife on duty replied.

No, I did not.

I went to all the prenatal classes. I read all the books.

But I wasn't prepared. I felt disconnected from my body.

And I was certainly not alone in feeling like this.

It's been estimated that up to one in three women experience birth trauma.

And experts say the problem is getting worse and leading to a postnatal depression epidemic.

And while my experience is nothing compared to some mums, many of whom I have interviewed, whose beautiful little babies were born sleeping.

Or were diagnosed with a rare and devastating disease moments after birth.

My little boy was ultimately, healthy. And I love him to pieces.

But it is okay to speak out about it.

It is okay to feel all these feelings.

Please know, that I understand how you feel.

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My traumatic birth happened six years ago and it still has a deep impact on me.

It played a part in my postnatal depression and anxiety.

My pelvic floor still hasn't recovered.

It also scarred me so much, I chose to have an elective c-section for my second baby as I was terrified of going through a similar experience again.

Please make sure you talk about it and get the help you need.

Please visit your GP and ask for a mental health plan.

Please go to a women's physio. Do not wait.

Please be gentle with yourself.

For birth trauma support, please contact the Australasian Birth Trauma Association at birthtrauma.org.au

You can also search for a professional with birth trauma expertise at COPE's online directory. If you need immediate help please call Lifeline on 131114 or call PANDA on 1300 726 306 or go to PANDA