The ‘ambiguous’ grief affecting one in 12 Aussie families

The bond between parent and child is one of life’s great joys. But for around one in 25 Australians navigating estrangement, it remains their greatest heartache.

The ‘ambiguous loss’ associated with severed family ties has been described by experts as worse than the pain of a loved one’s death. But how are we to complete this cycle of grief, when the one we grieve for is still very much alive?

Roughly four per cent of Aussies have had a strained relationship – or no relationship – with a parent or family member, according to academic and author of Family Estrangement: A matter of perspective Dr. Kylie Agllias.

In 2016, Agllias placed the number of families impacted by some level of estrangement at one in 12.

It is frequently utilised as a plot device in fiction; a ‘problem to be solved’ or minor hurdle before the appropriately tearful reconciliation.

The reality is far more complex – and does not always lend itself to a fairy tale ending.

A pain ‘even worse than a death’

It has been exactly six months since Brooklyn Beckham announced he “did not want to reconcile” with parents Victoria and David Beckham, after a series of alleged infractions on their part.

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‘For the love of god Brooklyn Beckham, what are you doing?’

Throughout the ensuing fallout, Brooklyn staunchly rebuffed every publicised attempt to repair the rift – thus dooming his parents to the indefinite limbo of ‘ambiguous loss’ in the process.

Coined in the 1970s by psychologist Pauline Boss, the term is used to describe the grey area of grief before finality or clear closure.

Boss explained that the mental toll of ambiguous loss is often heavier than death, with the uncertainty preventing the brain from properly processing loss.

The nervous system remains in a chronic state of “frozen grief” suspended somewhere between hope and despair – and according to clinical social worker Davide Di Pietro, it’s this state that proves the most torturous.

“I hear lots of parents who are estranged from their children talk about how it feels to them as though it’s even worse than a death,” Di Pietro said.

“With death, they’re forced to move towards acceptance. When that person is still alive and well, and they’re living their life day to day, it’s very hard to reach that level of acceptance.”

Taking to national support resource Griefline.com.au, one woman, Eleanor, described the feeling of estrangement from her adult child as “howling grief,” accompanied by “absolute helplessness.”

“It feels like someone has died, only that I have killed them,” the aggrieved mother wrote.

“I suppose one of the worst parts is that there is no end date. This could go on for years. I feel so empty and sad.”

In most cases, the situation will be resolved.

An Ohio State University study found 81 per cent of estrangements with mothers end, as do 69 per cent of estrangements with fathers.

But in instances where familial ties remain fractured, families are left grappling with a uniquely stigmatised form of grief. For many, the path towards healing is agonisingly unclear.

How best to move forward, according to an expert

According to Better Parent Academy psychologist Dr Anna Cohen, familial estrangement frequently goes unacknowledged or invalidated, owing to the quiet shame or guilt associated with it.

“They’re carrying a grief that has no public ritual around it. There’s not been a funeral. It’s not like there’s an end point – and that pain is very isolating.”

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However, this form of so-called ‘disenfranchised’ grief – defined as a grief not recognised socially – is by no means uncommon.

The Reddit forum r/EstrangedAdultChild has nearly 60,000 members and 34,000 weekly visitors, featuring a number of Subreddits on topics like ‘What to do when estranged parents weaponise other family members?’ and ‘Letting yourself hate is healing’.

Cohen cites ‘radical acceptance’ and specific methods of grief management as the key to overcoming this shame and uncertainty, but described it as a many-stepped process.

While the radical acceptance route involves accepting the facts of reality without judging, fighting, or trying to change them, grief management can often involve the act of “time-limiting” sadness.

“Allow yourself 20 minutes to be sad, and then bring yourself back. Process the loss rather than avoid it or get really stuck in it.”

She acknowledged estrangement as “one of the most painful losses you can ever experience,” but emphasised the importance of pouring into your own cup.

Continuing to build a meaningful, structured life in the face of uncertainty, she said, can be as basic as regular sleep, eating regular meals and going for walks.

“What they’ve got to do is anchor in their identity, beyond being a parent, or beyond being the child of that person, or beyond the relationship.”

The ultimate goal, according to Cohen, was not to eliminate the grief altogether – but to prevent it taking up space.

“People often are paralysed by it, the grief just takes up every single corner of every single aspect of their existence.”

She stressed the importance of finding “small daily sources of meaning”; ranging anywhere from building friendships within the community, attending weekly therapy and reflecting on yourself – not obsessively, but in an appropriate way.

“See that the world’s a great place and there are moments of joy, even if you’re estranged from your [family member.]”

“You can’t control the outcome, but you can choose how you’re gonna live.”