Episode Five recap
Tonight, John James, the man with two first names and an impossibly small waist, introduces us to a concept we can get behind: Love Island Fever. It’s an illness that inflicts the horny, the lonely and the desperate to increase their airtime and social media followers.
Put simply, it means that if you’re without a love interest on the Island, you will look anywhere to find one. Even if that person is someone you’re absolutely not into.
It likely explains the fact that in just five days, Justin has been rejected by Millie, Tayla and Kim. Charlie has been shafted by Kim (or has he?), Natasha (or has he?) and Millie (for the second time.) Grant has been through a complete relationship cycle with two girls and managed to emerge heading towards his jubilee wedding anniversary. It also explains a lot about why Cassidy has stayed with him, despite him being totally busted pledging his snogging intentions to someone else. Love Island Fever.
Only, there is a loser and the loser here is Tash. She has her eye on John James and despite Tash’s impressive under-boob, he is all about Millie and her yellow bikini and love for dogs. In John James’ mind, Millie is scouring the streets to rescue impoverished mutts. He’s smitten with her passion. In reality, noble though it may be, Millie is a groomer at a doggy day care centre, which typically involves putting ribbons on pampered poodles so while impressive, it’s not quuuuuuite the same thing. No matter! She has a tale about trying to save a wasp she thought was a snail to redeem her. “You’re one of those people that cry when you see roadkill,” swoons John James. “I’ll check a possum’s pouch,” Millie says proudly. Tash fires back with, “I’ve got my name tattooed on me, just in case anyone forgets.”
To be sure, Millie has taken to randomly lifting her legs in the air in all manner of graphic angles, so John James can see how flexible she is and also, imagine sex. It works. It works particularly well because Tasha’s return volley is to discuss star signs and tell him how she is looking to mate for life with someone. “Do you think that this was the best place to do that?” is John James’ sceptical response. She does. “He’s in the right age group,” she sighs of John James. (Also, Justin is 27 “yearsa”old, #justsaying.)
Meanwhile, Erin is continuing her (not at all jealously related) hatred of Millie by pumping up Tash’s self-esteem. “Her personality compared to yours is a bit shit,” Erin says to Tash. “You’re the most gorgeous person in here. You’re stunning. … You’re more classy and more elegant. If you get in there first, oh my god. No one wants to be sloppy seconds. Once those lips touch his lips – girl! He will marry you on the spot.” This is not the right thing to say to Tash, who really, really wants a boyfriend. “Silicon sisters!” Erin adds encouragingly, and isn’t that just a catchy ol’ nickname.
We’re absolutely not pretending to be anything other than we are tonight on Love Island, with a game that involves the girls in g-string bikinis feeling up the guys’ bodies and judging who has the best rig. “He’s squeezing so hard I thought he was gonna pop a blood vessel in his head,” says Grant of Charlie, as all the boys flex and pose. Despite the excessive clenching, Charlie is beaten by Eden and he isn’t happy. “He’s got the worst body on him,” Charlie spits. “He’s just got one keg that just sits there.”
It’s at this point we resolve to spend all our days hanging out with Charlie and the company he keeps because is he considers Eden as having the “worst body”, then… phwoar.
The puppy dogs are outside contemplating their fate. “You’re the best bunch of blokes I’ve met,” says Eden, with all the enthusiasm of an 18-year-old on his first Contiki tour. No doubt, they’re all already planning their matching tattoos as well.
Justin sadly says he thinks he is a “weak link”. Justin, the international male model who believes not believing pizza can make you fat won’t make you fat. “Am I a boring person?” he ponders. With a mind like that?
It’s clear that Kim and her scouse brows aren’t exactly gelling with anyone. The girls can’t tell who she likes and Josh, who tried to snuggle her and was swiftly rejected, has turned his attention to smug Tayla. She says she needs someone who will “stir her up a little bit” and “will be there if she is crying.” So clearly Josh will have his hands full as that’s also a succinct description of how she spends most of her time. She can’t tell if she likes Josh or just the attention and we can answer that – it’s the second one.
The pair have a kiss during a rowdy truth or dare session, but we can’t concentrate on what happened because Grant is wearing an even worse shirt than the last one. Please.
We wrap up with Eden being rewarded for being hot (yes Charlie, yes) by getting alone time with Erin in a secret root room. It’s a fitting prize.
Tash has a few sangrias and starts wailing to the boys, “I want what you have…” proving that the Love Island Fever really is a thing and John James speaks the truth! Maybe Millie really does cry when she sees roadkill.
Looks like Charlie’s going to have to start thinking “strategical” too…
Quote of the day: “Everyone’s scared of you.” Eden to his lady, Erin. He includes himself in that group.
