Cheat’s Guide to Love Island
There are all sorts of terms you should know
The contestants are called Islanders and the house is called a Villa. There’s a secret lair called the hideaway that people can win the chance to go to. They occasionally get texts from producers on their phones, which aren’t hooked up to the outside world but which do allow them to take copious amounts of selfies. There’s quite a few Islander invented terms too, the fave being “fanny flutters”, which happen when you are into a guy.
There were major dramas between three Islanders just a few days in
Cassidy, a cute country bartender, hooked up with Grant, a bogan electrician. They went from just meeting to acting like an old married couple in just a few days. Enter former Miss Universe contestant, Tayla. Grant couldn’t keep his eyes off her, and played both girls, telling them both he wanted only them. It all blew up in his face when the girls swapped notes and he eventually decided to stay with Cassidy. Buuuuuut just a few days later, on the crucial “recoupling” day, everything exploded and Tayla stole Grant for herself. He went more than willingly, dumping Cassidy and immediately hooking up – very publicly and passionately – with Tayla.
They haven’t stopped. Cassidy is still burned about the whole thing, but everyone is acting mostly civil – except Grant, who occasionally acts like a dickhead and is rude to Cassidy. Tayla and Grant are intensely, insanely loved up and she even said she would accept a marriage proposal from him, should he ask. (They’ve been dating three days.) In return, he described her as the sauce on his sausage roll, so it doesn’t get much more romantic.
Oh, and that all happened in the first ten episodes.
Elias (you say his name Ell-e-ass) and John James were the first male intruders. No one showed an interest in Elias. Two girls immediately began competing for John James – Millie and Natasha. Two days later and everything had reversed. Three girls were into Elias and no one was into John James. Millie even compared him to “dry Weetbix”. Harsh. Everyone is amazed that it turns out, looks aren’t everything and personality actually matters. Who knew?
Along with Tayla and Grant, whose lips rarely leave each other, Erin and Eden are all loved up, admitting they are falling for one another. She is super feisty and can get pretty jealous. She lays down some very strict rules and boundaries for her man. He seems to love it.
The Islanders randomly get sent off to do all sorts of insanely politically incorrect challenges which are a mix between hilarious and a turn on. So far we’ve had a pashtag (turn on) and a giant game of spin the bottle (unintentionally hilarious) plus a rig off, where the girls got to feel the boys’ bods and decide who was the hottest. Can we play?
Oh, and for some reason, they always run to the challenge in their bikinis and boardshorts. We don’t know why, but it’s fantastic.
Sometimes they talk about making food for each other, but people are rarely seen eating actual meals. There was however, a little mini challenge where Erin and Eden were sent off to buy tapas ingredients and absolutely struggled to even pronounce the word tapas, so this could be why.
The sleeping situation is epic
There is one room jammed with tiny double beds. You have to sleep beside your partner, even if you’re not hooking up, which means people are contorting themselves in all sorts of weird positions in an effort to NOT touch someone they’re uninterested in. It also means that you’re very close to couples when they hook up. The lights go on and off automatically – but if you can’t SEE it, you can definitely HEAR it.
They have a glam room – and they use it. They’re constantly touching their hair, fixing their makeup, adjusting their tiny clothing scraps. They barely wear clothes as it is, usually romping around in bikinis and boardshorts. And have you seen the tans? The girls have all bought at least fifteen bikinis each and more than half are g-string versions. They love to get the buns out.
There’s constantly fresh meat
There are random vote outs and the Islanders themselves have to do what’s called ‘recoupling’ once a week too. In fact, the entire premise of the show is for hot people to hook up and if they don’t, see ya! This means there’s a constant flow of new people to hate, love and perve at.
One contestant called himself a “kangatarian” – someone who eats kangaroo and vegetables. Like that’s a thing. Another got her own name tattooed on her groin in case the person hooking up with her forgot it. Thankfully, they’re genetically mega blessed.