Thinking of doing a farm stay? You can expect a few 'surprises'

I think it's fair to say I'm not a farm type of guy. I struggle with any kind of growing or mowing. Despite these shortcomings I had the idea of Airbnbing a farm for our family Christmas.

While I may not have farm experience I've had plenty of Airbnb experience but this was next level. A property 543-times the size of my Sydney plot, so a whopping 123 acres.

We chose the verdant rolling hills of Gloucester about 3.5hrs north of Sydney or about an hour inland from Taree.

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The area holds great nostalgic appeal for our family because we used to holiday in the area when the kids were younger.

It turns out booking a farm is really no different from booking a studio apartment except you get instructions about the cows.

Don't go in the paddock with the bull (or maybe even with the girl bulls because some of them have recently calved and are protective of their young offspring).

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So, we arrive a couple of days before Christmas at this beautiful property with a 19th century farm house perched on top of a hill with 360 degree views. 

Cows are lowing in the meadows, birds are chirping in the trees and a third thing I can't remember.

I've decided to fully embrace farm life so I swap out my New Balance 574s for something more rustic, grab a bag full of oranges which the host assures me the cows love, and head for the livestock. 

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I get up to the fence line about two metres from a small, disinterested cluster of bovines and flash the oranges.

The cows seem unnerved by my presence and literally head for the hills. In desperation I toss some oranges after them but rather than slowing their retreat they speed up as much as a 550kg Murray Grey can.

While I'm salt-licking my wounds from rejection, I spot a giant Highland bull in with the cows.

I may not know much about farm life but I know the bull is supposed to be housed separately. I'm sure I haven't left any gates open but there he is poised to run amok with the female population.

We've only been here an hour and already there's an incident. I message the host with the news, trying not to be that guy peppering her with questions the whole stay.

The bull is actually in a paddock full of steers not girl cows so I shouldn't worry. Turns out a steer is a neutered male cow so not much danger of impregnation. Crisis averted.

5.45am the next day there is an almighty crash against the verandah glass door then another one. I scramble out of the sleigh bed to find a big black crow lining up for another crack.

I shoo him off wondering why he's so keen to get inside the house. Is he a house bird? Should I let him inside? I can't see how that's a good idea. I can't bring myself to annoy the host again so I let it go.

I'm awake so I might as well stay up and take in the sunrise. It's beautiful out on the property with the hills encased in a light fog which starts to burn off as the sun rises.

It's an idyllic country scene. The cows are lolling in the fields (not LOLing) and all seems right with the world until I spot a calf on the wrong side of the fence - my side of the barrier.

Again, I may not know much but I know this isn't right. The calf seems to agree because it's mooing and so is the separated herd. There is no one else awake in the house.

My wife is good at these things but I can't wake her at 6.20am and I'm definitely not messaging the host. So I attempt to steer the calf (if that's a thing) towards one of the paddock gates but she just runs in the opposite direction.

I try and fail several times before finally I get up quite close but this time she just dives through the barbed-wire fence and back to the safety of the herd, thankfully uninjured.

This farm life sure keeps you on your toes.

Christmas morning, 5.45am. Bang! It's the crow again. This bird is really keen to get in the house. I'm stumped about what to do so I ChatGPT what it means if a crow flies at your glass door every morning at 5.45am. I know that's very specific but sure enough there's an explanation.

I'm told if it's the same pane of glass at the same time of day the crow is seeing its reflection and trying to ward off what he sees as an intruder.

So we tape up the window with newspaper and wouldn't you know, problem solved. Two days of sleep ins and no message to host required.  

I could tell you about the wasp nest in the plastic flower arrangement on the Christmas lunch table but again no one was injured so no sting in the tale. The Highland bull re-enters the story here though, and when he comes up close to the fence after lunch I manage to feed him some oranges. Cows 1: Me 1.

So, would I recommend an Airbnb farmstay?

Absolutely. I loved it. It was never boring.

The cows and birds were always doing something zany and the landscape itself seemed to change as the sun moved across the horizon and the light struck different parts of the property. Plus I really fell for the cows. They were the highlight for me.

If my local council wasn't such a stickler I would have rushed out and bought a mini Highland cow the next day.   

John Walsh travelled at his own expense. He was Executive Producer of the TV travel series Getaway from 1999-2024. You can follow John on Instagram @thegetawayexpert.

Explore some of John's articles below:

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