'My mum is desperate for me to have a boyfriend, but here's what she doesn't understand'

OPINION -- There's a clear generational mindset difference between my mum and me.

Along with body image and career prospects, one of our more contentious topics of conversation is my love life (or lack thereof).

She's desperately unhappy that I'm the ripe age of 28 and still single – despite my having laboured one very simple point: I'm happier when I'm single.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it: dating right now is dire; many of us – men and women – are fighting for our lives in this real-time hellscape.

Between situationships, delusional exes, being ghosted, toxic masculinity and a low-commitment nonchalance epidemic, the concept of a romantic relationship seems more like something out of a folklore tale than a liveable reality.

Despite it being a prevalent issue across all genders, dating is something straight women are struggling with in particular. In case this barrage of shared sentiment from women across the world hasn't met your newsfeed, social media algorithm, or desperate word of mouth: hear it from me.

I recently had the pleasure of attending a talk at the Sydney Opera House with Chanté Joseph, the author of the viral Vogue article, "Is Having A Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?", on the panel.

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The piece is anchored in a relatively new term, "heterofatalism", which was coined by academic and writer Asa Seresin.

It is the resigned belief among straight women that heterosexual relationships are inherently unfulfilling, disappointing, or doomed, yet we pursue them regardless – hope is a dangerous thing, as they say.

I confess I ragebaited my mum by sharing the details of this talk on the family group chat. My parents' consensus was predictably underwhelming, along the lines of "dating can't be that bad?"

These are the very same parents who met at 19, who have not had the misery of navigating the Hinge, Bumble, Tinder trifecta. The same parents who haven't had to sift through potential suitors in the hope that conversation might flourish from something other than a bland "hey," or a crass comment about the size of my thighs.

They do not understand that these days, if you do happen to stumble upon a normal, respectful match, you have to battle hell and high water for conversation to result in a date. And that end goal ultimately depends on someone having the gall and gumption to plan anything – anything!

If you thought that wasn't enough legwork, you must then wait with bated breath to see if they message you post-date, or indeed 'ghost' you, as is the disposable status quo these days. If you're feeling tired just hearing about it, you might be experiencing second-hand 'dating app fatigue'.

Of course, my intention isn't to sound bitter, but familiarity breeds contempt.

All of my straight female friends who are actively dating are constantly on the cusp of giving up. If we do end up dating someone, or even getting into a relationship with them, slowly but surely, we become untethered, realising the emotional labour isn't worth it.

My mum still views a boyfriend as the pinnacle of happiness, the ultimate "safety net". But for my generation, the narrative has changed.

She pictures a default path, whereas I see a relationship as something that is earned. There's a higher bar.

As dating expert Sera Bozza says, most dating experiences don't meet the necessary standard: "most young people aren't asking for more from dating, they're just no longer willing to accept less."

She grew up in a time when having a partner was a necessity; it offered social status, gave financial security and a clear life path.

Today, women create their own security.

"A partner is no longer your only source of support. They're one option among many," says Bozza.

"Which means they have to actually add value, not just fill a role."

We make our own money, we have deep connections with friends, we actively pursue hobbies and passions, and we can look after ourselves. Why disturb the peace with someone who feels indifferent about me at best?

For my parents' generation, being single paints you as a failure. My mum is frustrated by the fabricated belief that I squash male attention at every opportunity.

I'm not rejecting potential relationships; I'm just not entertaining inconsistent communication, low effort, and the startling casual misogyny that is alive and well in the dating scene.

As Bozza reiterates: "Most people aren't struggling to find someone, just someone who meets the level of effort they're already bringing to their own life."

My own experiences, the dating tales of my friends – and their friends – are enough to put me off dating for life. But throw in the black hole that is social media, and it's hard to shake the echo-chamber-induced despondency.

Swiping mindlessly through 'storytimes' of women being harassed, being stood up or cheated on, you're constantly absorbing and conflating your life to that of strangers on the internet.

"You're not just reflecting on your own bad dates, but absorbing everyone else's around you," says Bozza.

Similarly, there's a disturbing influx of "red-pill" content bleeding into the algorithms of young men's FYPs. The term stems from the manosphere and alt-right, with the belief that liberal or feminist ideologies are manipulating and oppressing men, often fostering resentment towards women and encouraging traditional gender roles. Ideological as it may sound, it very much exists in real life.

I'm choosing what's in front of me, whereas my parents had fewer moving parts.

The polarisation is exhausting and blinding, "the way we're experiencing dating right now often obscures what they can still be at their best," says Bozza.

And while it's easy to admit defeat, I reassure my parents that I'm yet to lose hope. They only want me to be happy after all.

I just wish they could see that being single brings a lot of goodness into my life, and for that I'm grateful.

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