The unexpected grief of becoming a mum without your mum, and why it never goes away

One thing I've come to learn in motherhood is two feelings can exist at the same time, but the one that keeps coming back – and at the most unexpected times – is grief.

A recent conversation over dinner with my toddler hit me with a wave of grief that brought tears I didn't know were bubbling just below the surface.

"Who is your mum?" my daughter so innocently asked.

She knows Nanny is her dad's mum, she knows who her Pop is – and she's lucky enough to have three of them – but it's her other nanna who isn't physically in the picture.

My mum died when I was 10, so I've spent far more of my life without her than with her in it.

While the last three years in particular have been some of the best after becoming a mum, they've also been some of the hardest.

Anyone who has become a mum without their mum in their life will understand these feelings.

'What was I like as a baby? Did I sleep? How did you get me to sleep? When did I walk? When did I talk? Was I chatty as a toddler? What did you do when we threw tantrums at the shops? Did you ever stress about milestones or sleep regressions?'

All questions I never asked my mum, and won't be able to get her answers for.

I've never been able to pick up the phone and call my mum after a particularly shit night with a baby who screamed on and off.

I never got to tell my mum I was pregnant and go baby shopping with her.

I never got the chance to send her a video of something special like my daughter's first steps, or send her a photo of the first time I painted her nails.

There have been mornings after a particularly emotional daycare drop off where I've sat in the car and just cried, wishing I could call my mum.

They're the smallest, sometimes most insignificant moments that really make me miss her the most, and I know I'm not alone.

Anyone who has experienced grief knows it's always there, lurking below the surface, and comes up in the most unexpected times.

It hits you hard in the chest and really can suck the breath right out of you.

Times like seeing a woman around my age with their kid and their mum out at the shops, or a grandma taking their grandchild for a morning at a café, or even just hearing my friends talking about their mum coming to babysit, are a reminder of what you don't have.

I'm blessed with the most wonderful mother-in-law who has done all of those things for me.

I am lucky to have the most wonderful relationship with my dad, and my best friend has been there for every moment I've needed someone too.

But there are times when it's just not the same as your mum.

There's no one to call when you're doubting yourself.

The person who knows you inside and out and is always in your corner, there to listen.

And that's where that little bit of grief just never goes away.

For many women in this position, you're trying to navigate raising a child without the blueprint you expected or thought you were going to get.

You're raising a child – or children – while grieving the life you never got and relationships you no longer have.

And while for me this resonates most with my mum, I know this kind of grief is the same for anyone who has lost a parent or a child.

Looking back, I've had more milestones in my life without my mum by my side, but I do think I wouldn't be the mum I am today without her and the time we did have.

While she might be too young to understand it, I tell my daughter about my mum, and eventually it will make sense.

For now, I'm spending this weekend holding her tight and soaking up as much of this as I possibly can.

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