Money Manners: 'I don't want him to be upset with me if I bring it up with him'

Money Manners is Honey Money's weekly column that deals with money etiquette matters that can be the cause of many an awkward encounter.

Submit your Money Manners questions to Jo Abi at jabi@nine.com.au.

This week's question comes via a 9honey reader who is facing an unusual dilemma with her partner.

Dilemma: 'How do I ask my partner for maternity leave superannuation contributions?'

I'm starting to plan for my future and I'm feeling really worried about something that I think many people believe is trivial.

My partner and I are discussing having children, and how I'm going to have to be the one to have them (just based on biology) but I'm worried about what would happen if we split.

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Namely, I'm annoyed that because I have to take maternity leave, there will be a significant chunk of time that I won't be paid superannuation into my accounts, which means that if we split, there will be at least a year or so of earnings, plus interest, that my partner will have but I won't, because I'm the one that had to have the kids.

My girlfriends say I should get him to contribute to my super account while I'm on maternity leave so I'm not left in the dust when I retire should it go wrong. But I don't want him to be upset with me if I bring it up, with him thinking I am thinking that we are going to split.

What should I do?

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Advice from couple therapist Melissa Ferrari: 'In a relationship we are not operating as a one-person system'

The first thing I would say is to take a step back from the personal financial impact of choosing to have a child and instead take time to take a closer look at your relationship.

Choosing to have children is one of the biggest decisions that you will make as a couple and to do so when you have some insecurity around the longevity of your relationship is a little warning sign that you have some work to do before making such a major decision.

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In relationships we can at times tick boxes such as choosing to move in together, buy a home, get married and then have children, without taking the time to speak to each other about what is important in a relationship, which is answering the question of why are we in this relationship for?

Yes its starts with love, but over time love on its own is not enough and you both have to be willing to invest in and support each other, to have each other's back and commit to each other that you are their 'forever person,' tethered together for life.

Work through your agreements with each other on what your relationship looks like, what you are planning to do together and how you will (together) approach these major life choices.

In a relationship we are not operating as a one-person system, instead we need to be always putting our relationship first, always communicating about how we feel and clear on what we both want from the relationship – then fears such as 'what if they leave' will disappear, replaced by thoughts of being together forever.

If you are instead approaching your relationship from a position of defense, such as asking 'what if they leave?' then that is not the most positive way forward as it will hold you back and potentially cause conflict over multiple life decisions that you need to make together.

When you have a connected relationship, operating as a two-person system, you are not discussing the potential impact on your superannuation when discussing children, instead you are talking about what sort of parents you want to be, how you want to (together) bring up your children.

To get to that place you and your partner need to work on your insecurities around your relationship by building trust that you will always be there to support each other.

A good couple's therapist you are both comfortable with can help on this journey and once you get to that connected place in your relationship then you will find that superannuation will be the last thing on your mind when as a couple you choose to have children.

The information provided on this website is general in nature only and does not constitute personal financial advice. The information has been prepared without taking into account your personal objectives, financial situation or needs. Before acting on any information on this website you should consider the appropriateness of the information having regard to your objectives, financial situation and needs.

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