How overcoming her fear of being alone and single led Kerri Sackville to finding true love

Being busy is a hard habit to break. For Kerri Sackville, it was almost impossible. What better time to explore this than during lockdown as a single mother with three children and absolutely nowhere to go?

"Obviously I was stuck at home like everyone else and I had some health problems and I wasn't getting a lot of work done," Sackville tells 9Honey. "I felt really miserable and really lonely.

"I had none of my usual comforts and distractions. I couldn't see friends, I couldn't go on a date, I couldn't walk around my local Westfield, I couldn't see my mum. All I could do was go on social media and that became a bit obsessive and made me feel worse."

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She'd have to try something different.

"I decided I had to just stop. I turned off my phone and sat with my thoughts," Sackville says.

"I had to learn how to be alone. I knew that I was going to be with myself forever. You can't escape yourself. You are the only person you are going to be with until the end of your life."

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Sackville started by turning her phone off and "just sitting" with her thoughts.

"I had to break a lot of habits," she explains. "I'd be sitting down and I'd reach for my phone. Stopping that was really transformative.

"Now I'm much calmer, much more content and much less lonely. I also became much more creative and Iearned a lot about myself."

She want to try and understand why her self-imposed solitude as proving so beneficial.

"Humans are not meant to be alone but we're not meant to never be alone," she explains. "And it is hard. It is a real feminist issue because women, in particular those with kids, are often denied time alone."

She found "small ways" to implement her new strategy including not bringing her phone in with her when she used the toilet, walking for exercise without listening to a podcast and at night when she went to bed, she'd be spend more time alone with her thoughts.

"And we don't encourage kids to be alone either. In our culture its used as a punishment. We teach kids that being alone is bad and scary and to be avoided. Then there are devices which are a big reason why we don't spend time alone."

Her ability to be alone with her thoughts didn't come easily to her.

"I had to train my thoughts," she explains. "At first I was itching for a distraction but I just had to stop myself. I'd feel like I was crawling out of my skin and had to stop myself from picking up my phone."

She's a writer, so journalling helped, as did researching the importance of being alone, which turned into a book called The Secret Life of You.

"The first part of the book is about why we find it so hard to be alone and it has to do with social media but also cultural and emotional factors," Sackville shares. "The second part of the book is about the benefits of being alone."

"The third is step-by-step instructions for those who find it hard, how to change your thoughts little-by-little by thinking for pleasure and being curious about yourself," she says.

Sackville has recently found love, with someone she has known for years, but she still ensures she spends time alone.

"I walk every day and when I walk I won't put on a podcast or I will literally lie on a couch and stare at the ceiling for an hour," she says.

If her children or her partner join her for her daily walk, she'll go for another one later in the day.

"Sometimes I'll be driving in the car and I'll have a proper talk to myself," Sackville continues. "I don't necessarily say it out loud but I'll think about what has happened."

Her older children aged 23 and 24 have also mastered the art of being alone with their thoughts, but her 15-year-old finds it more challenging.

"I have to protect my alone time, it is really important for my mental health when I am stressed or anxious. Any time I feel like that, I walk and let it all go."