Keira Knightley admits to common parenting fail many mums will relate to: 'You're there but you're not'

OPINION -- When Keira Knightley appeared on the Happy Mum Happy Baby podcast recently, she surprised fans with a number of revelations.

One, that she proudly wears the tag of 'nepo baby' having grown up in a creative house with her parents, actor Will Knightley, and Sharman Macdonald, an actor and playwright.

But it was her admission about a common parenting fail many working mothers are guilty of that most resonated with me – the idea that you can be physically present with your children while still not really being there.

Knightley, who is a mother of two girls, Edie, 10, and Delilah, six, whom she shares them with her musician husband James Righton, was discussing her childhood when attention turned to her parents' work arrangement.

"My dad was on tour a lot so he was away a lot and my mum worked from home," Knightley said.

While she said the door to her mother's office "was always open", she admitted she was not always present.

"She was always away in a storyland in her head and I used to get really angry that she was away in her storyland and she wasn't there with me," Knightley continued.

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"And I was always like, 'Where are you, 'cause you're there, but you're not there, you're somewhere else'.

"And I think... my kids recognise that a bit from me, you know that kind of like, 'I am here, present, but I am not. I am somewhere deep inside my own head'."

Knightley's confession hit me like a tonne of bricks.

As someone who has spent quite a lot of my career working from home, I can fully understand Knightley's angst.

Throughout my children's lives, I have always worked, and from the start, I worked at least one day a week from home.

At the start of COVID, when my co-workers and I were sent home to work, this became three days.

Suddenly, my children were in the house whenever I worked.

I chose to set myself up at the dining table – not sure why I chose there instead of our office – but there I sat as I worked and worked and worked.

While others were put on leave or lost their jobs, my workload swelled. I was, after all, a health reporter during a once-in-100-years epidemic – make that a PANdemic.

My husband's work did not close the first lockdown, so it was just me at home with the kids, who were expected to 'remote learn'.

I shudder at the thought of how many times they approached me, only to be turned away.

"I am on deadline," I would half-shout.

"No I can't stop and get you a snack/lunch/help you with your math problem."

"Go away, I'm busy," I would say as one of them approached me. Or worse still – "What now?" I would ask.

"I just wanted a hug," my daughter said forlornly as least once, snapping me to my senses, albeit briefly.

COVID lockdowns ended eventually, and they went back to school.

While others went back to the office, I mostly stayed put at home.

But did I learn anything? It seems not.

Today as I wrote this, both of my kids returned home from their various outings. They are now grown, but sometimes still need to talk to their mum, who is almost always on deadline.

"I can't talk, I am working," I snapped at one.

Fair enough, I hear you say, I have to work. But even when the working day is over, I will be busy doing something else, often on my phone.

Sometimes they come and stand beside me and start speaking to me and I realise I haven't even looked up.

I force myself to avert my gaze from my phone and look at them. How long were they standing there waiting, while I was oblivious, too caught up on what Kim Kardashian is wearing or what Justin Bieber has done now?

I wish I always looked up from my screen and listened to whatever it is they are saying.

Often when I am out and about now I will see the busy young mums making the same mistakes as me – ignoring their children, whether they are babies, toddlers, preschoolers, school-aged kids or teens.

"Put your phone down and talk to your kid," I feel like yelling.

"They will be grown up soon and you will have missed your chance.

"Engage with them, talk to them, look them in the eyes, and tell them you love them. No, show them you love them, by putting down your phone, even for a few minutes."

Being a busy mum is nothing new. Before there were screens, women were busy doing other things, such as foraging for food, trekking miles to get water from a well, and the like.

But nowadays, add in a fast-paced life full of screens, and your kids have to compete with even more to get your attention.

I'm not suggesting you spend every minute of the day giving your child your full attention, just some of the time.

Otherwise, you might one day find yourself wanting their attention, only to be turned away.

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