Why there is still hope for reconciliation for the Beckhams yet

While the Beckham feud blows up Beckham, many of those following the story may start to see parallels within their own lives. 

In fact, this sort of family estrangement is not only fairly common, but it can be rectified to bring peace and balance back to the family. 

Dr Jenny Brown, family therapist and Director of the Family Systems Practice and Parent Hope Project, spoke to nine.com.au about how these circumstances occur, and how families – even the Beckhams – can escape relatively unscathed.

Watch the video above.

How do families become estranged?

Any family consists of multiple personalities that are "over-important" to each other, which can result in intense and sensitive situations as personalities clash. 

This is increased even more when a new family member is introduced, as Nicola Peltz was to the Beckhams through marriage. 

At this point, David and Victoria had to let go of their eldest son Brooklyn, so he could grow up and make his own decisions – and while that is the end goal of parenting, it certainly doesn't make it any easier to do.

"It really increases the disruption of a new transition, making adjustments to a relationship," says Brown, "It's just very intense and people get reactive to each other." 

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Dealing with overbearing in-laws 

At first, your in-laws' comments can almost be received as well-meaning, but one dig too many can cause some serious damage.

But you must take a deep breath and remember – not your circus, not your monkeys. 

It is not your responsibility as an "outsider" in this situation to be dealing with your in-laws. That lies solely with your partner, the actual child of the parents. 

In fact, stepping into the situation and defending yourself as an "outsider" can make it much worse.

"If the outsider tries to manage the parent of their spouse or partner, it will never go well," Brown says definitively, adding, "The one thing you do want to avoid [is] involving multiple people in the dynamic."

"A mother is much more able to hear from her son than from the daughter-in-law who will be seen as intrusive." 

The key thing is for men to "step up and be a little braver with their parents… [and] not leave it to their women to deal with." 

They need to be able to tell their parents in clear terms and without bias the effect that their actions are having on the new couple.

"We represent our experience rather than shake our fist or point our finger and tell our parents they're behaving badly.. We're essentially saying, 'I can't believe it's your intention, but when you did this, this is the effect it had on me'" Brown demonstrates.

Cutting ties 

When blows are exchanged and wounds are left to fester, eventually it can seem like the most logical situation to simply cut people off. 

And indeed, this is what many people – especially young couples – have turned to in the past. 

"Cut-offs and estrangement have been part of family dynamics forever, it's not a new thing," says Brown, "But yes, it usually is the young adult who is trying to make their way in the world and get some space and freedom to do that." 

Brooklyn said this expressly in his statement, describing how he felt anxiety-free for the first time after being away from his parents.

"It's a stage of life transition where that becomes so important to make one's own way in the world," explains Brown, "So hence, it's not surprising that it is the young adult who is reacting and pushing back against their relatives, saying, 'I need space.'" 

However, doing so can lead young people to lose out on the very opportunity they are trying to create for themselves.

"It is part of the developmental phase of life to need that kind of space, but I would say to the younger people who are contemplating using a cut-off to give them space, that they're missing out on a really important opportunity to learn to set boundaries with their parents and their relatives, to learn how to deal with differences with their relatives.

"If you just use cut-off, you don't get the opportunity to learn to establish an adult relationship back to your parents." 

If a cut-off is used, it shouldn't be a permanent solution, says Brown. 

"Having some distance does relieve tension, stress and intensity, so that's why we're so prone to using distance when relationships get difficult… to take a break, to recover, to get some perspective," she says.

"But if we use permanent cover for estrangement, all of the intensity and the finger pointing, it goes in the freezer for all time and never thaws, and that's a heavy load to carry through your life."

Who is responsible 

We've seen it time and time again – the outsiders, often times "the woman", are to be blamed for the family fracturing. 

Though we see it here with Nicola and the Beckhams, we have also seen it recently with Prince Harry and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, where the former actress was blamed for what was dubbed as "Megxit" when the couple stepped down as senior royal family members in 2020.

But why is this the case? 

Brown says that it is all based on a key family systems pattern called a triangle.

Oftentimes when two people from the original family – say a mother and son like Victoria and Brooklyn – are confronted with a change, it can be easy to point fingers at an outsider; in this case, Nicola.

While blaming the daughter-in-law is the most common presentation of this pattern, "With the complexity of patterns, it is not relevant or logical to point the finger at one person," Brown says.

"Everyone has played a part in this. It's not a simple cause and effect. And yet we are so prone to blaming the outsider." 

More often than not, this blame falls onto a woman, like Nicola or Meghan. But the truth that lies underneath is that "men are very often underfunctioning in their relationships and hence they leave the work to the women – to their mothers and their wives – and that can also contribute to this pattern of it looking like it's the women who are to blame,

"But the men are playing their part through avoidance and letting the women do the relationship work, which is an age-old pattern in families."

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What the members of the Beckham family are each worth

Another phenomenon we see in these situations is that the younger couple is urged to forgive and forget – as is seen through the many comments underneath Brooklyn and Nicola's Instagram posts. 

But in order for there to be true reconciliation in the family, Brown emphasises that "it's vital that the parents and the older generation are really willing to let their resentments and pain and bitterness be set aside for the sake of a future reconciliation… [and for] future generations."

Is there a way out of this mess?

Despite all the pain of the past, there is a way for the Beckhams to return to their former glory yet.

Research from the Cornell Estrangement Project with Professor Karl Pillemmer shows that the only way through is just that – through. In order for a family to heal from estrangement, they must forget the pains of the past and look to the future to heal.

"It's really hard to do because the hurts run deep for everyone… there's so much pain that people on all sides suffer," Brown acknowledges.

But family therapy allows members to see that no one person is at fault for the trauma,

"So that can help people just get some acceptance that no one deliberately caused this, and it is possible to move forward."

Advice for those going through this situation

Brown's advice for those stuck in an estrangement with their family is to be patient. 

"No-one wants to carry that burden of resentment forever," she says, "It's not good for people's mental health, and it is not good to have that going into a new family and a new generation… there's a lot of cost in cutting off from the previous generation."

She says that no matter how bad the situation seems, "there is always hope".

"You can't fix it simply and quickly because there's been a lot of pattern that has gone into the development of it over time," Brown explains.

"Human relationships have a remarkable ability to be flexible, to adapt and to not stay stuck in the pain of a particular time in life, so there's always hope – but it does require patience, and it does require letting go of needing a parent or a sibling or whoever's upset us, to accept all the blame.

"It doesn't work that way."

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