Alistair was single, approaching his 40s and wanted to be a dad. Instead of waiting, he did it alone
Exclusive: On a warm January evening in Melbourne, Alistair Gibbs knocked on the door of a near-stranger’s home and met the woman who would soon carry his child.
He had spoken to Jo and her wife Alice online. This was the first time they were meeting face-to-face.
Alistair Gibbs was approaching his 40s when he came to the realisation: Why can’t he forge his own path to fatherhood? Alistair Gibbs
He remembers feeling an immediate connection with the women – the kind you can’t manufacture or force – and the three of them sat down to dinner.
This was the beginning of the end for Gibbs’ five-year journey to fatherhood.
“I’d always thought that in my life, children were going to be there,” Gibbs, an early childhood professional, told nine.com.au
“I wanted to be a father, and it was just I was just getting to a point in my life where there was this societal set pathway.
“You have to have this relationship. You have to build it this way... and I’d got to a point where I was thinking, why does it have to be that way?”
In 2021, Gibbs was nearing his 40s and had recently ended his relationship with a former partner.
After visiting a counsellor to work through his feelings, he began to seriously consider having a child alone.
Soon, it was not a question of if, but how.
“We talk a lot negatively about the pandemic, but one of the gifts it gave me was time to stop,” Gibbs recalled.
“And that gave me time to really sit and reflect and ask, what am I looking to do in life?
“What are the next steps? Am I looking to buy a house, or am I looking to really jump into surrogacy?”
The Melbourne man is in rare company as a solo dad by choice. Alistair Gibbs
As a single gay man in Australia, Gibbs’ options were limited.
The most obvious path was surrogacy with an egg donation.
He is in rare company. It was only in 2021 that the first single man was approved for surrogacy in Victoria.
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Finding a surrogate in Australia is complicated; there are fewer than 150 surrogacy births in Australia each year.
Surrogates must be entirely altruistic and need to have previously given birth.
Both parties also need to undergo psychological and legal counselling before it goes ahead.
Gibbs joined Surrogacy Australia’s Support Service (SASS), where he made an online profile that gave prospective surrogates some information about his life, career and desire to have children.
He was “terrified” of putting his face and name out there for potential judgement and, potentially, flat-out rejection.
His first plan was to find a surrogate who could carry an embryo created with an egg donation from a friend.
“I went into it knowing that it was very unlikely,” Gibbs said.
“There was a small, small chance, specifically [because] in Australia, with it being illegal for it to be commercial, it is all up to relationships.
“It became clear to me that it was going to be either a very long journey, or one that wasn’t going to amount to the birth of a child.”
Gibbs eventually matched with Jo and Alice.
It was already improbable that he would be connected with a potential surrogate in Melbourne.
Gibbs welcomed his daughter thanks to an altruistic surrogate named Jo and her wife Alice. Alistair Gibbs
Or that the first people he met would be “the ones”.
The next hurdle would be gauging if there was a spark. Thankfully, the trio became fast friends.
“It was a good values fit,” Gibbs said of their online meeting.
“We met online through a facilitated session, and then just started to catch up as you would any other friend.”
Their first meeting was at dinner at Jo and Alice’s home, which then led to frequent catch-ups to discuss the possibility of surrogacy.
“We spoke about it about five or six months before we decided to go ahead,” Gibbs said.
Gibbs sourced his egg donor from City Fertility’s Eeve Donor Bank and he and his surrogate were patients of Rainbow Fertility in Melbourne, a clinic that specialises in LGBTQIA+ fertility treatments and IVF.
His close friend had been lined up to donate her eggs, but complications with hyperstimulation quickly dashed hope of viable egg retrievals.
The plans were quickly reshuffled so that Jo could fall pregnant with an embryo from an anonymous donor.
Only two viable embryos were put on ice.
They were likely Gibbs’ only chance of becoming a dad – each egg retrieval came at a $20,000 cost and his surrogates didn’t have a flexible timeline for pregnancy.
“The first embryo transfer which was successful, but that resulted in a miscarriage,” he said.
“The last embryo, the one that is now my daughter, that was my last chance, as I couldn’t afford to keep going and restart the process.”
The second and final implantation worked.
Jo fell pregnant and, after the three-month window was cleared in December, Gibbs could finally picture his future as a solo father by choice.
His daughter Connor was born on July 30 this year.
Connor (pictured) was born on July 30 this year. Alistair Gibbs
As Gibbs gazes down at his newborn baby girl’s face, he marvels at how inconceivable fatherhood felt just five years earlier.
“We’ve been able to come together in this bubble of love, and what’s come out of it is this beautiful little girl,” Gibbs said.
“There’s definitely a bit of a ‘wow’ when you look at her.”
The process of affirming his legal parentage was finalised this month.
Jo and Alice will remain an important part of his child’s life for as long as they want to be.
The couple told nine.com.au that they are proud to have help fulfilled Gibbs’ dream of being a father and now consider him a “close friend”.
“Being a surrogate takes a real investment of time, energy and emotion, and it’s not something to underestimate. But for us, it was absolutely worth it,” they said.
“In a world where there is increasingly more division and individualism, this felt like an almost rebellious act of love and generosity.
“We’re excited to see Connor grow and hope that sharing our experience helps others see the profound difference that surrogacy can make.“
Gibbs is now navigating the trials of early parenthood, which can be compounded as a single queer person.
There will be some hurdles to overcome. Those are barriers he is happy to break down as Connor grows up.
What he can be sure of, though, is life-long love and support from Jo and Alice.
“It is a beautiful and special friendship in that... there’s just something that’s never going to be taken away,” he said.
“There’s such a deep connection and deep bond that is created.”
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