Rebecca Henderson was in a 'dark place'. Her 'last resort' changed her life

"I had totally given up. My last resort was trying one more time to find the right psychologist. The one I have now has changed my life."

Those were the raw and powerful words of Olympic mountain biker Rebecca Henderson in a 47-minute interview with Wide World of Sports ahead of the first round of the new World Series season.

The 34-year-old Canberran opened up with remarkable vulnerability ahead of this weekend's season-opening competition in South Korea, peeling back the mask on depression, anxiety, self-sabotage, self-destruction, a sense of worthlessness, and the time in her life she hit "the absolute rock bottom".

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Henderson's right arm was in a sling when the 2025 World Series season kicked off 12 months ago.

Desperate to feel a sense of self-value again, and desperate to have a goal in sight, she had vowed to be in prime condition for the Brazil season opener. She made that vow in October 2024, a couple of months after competing at the Paris Olympics. She was at the lowest low of her life, and striving to be in top shape for the start of the 2025 World Series season gave her just enough strength to withstand it.

Then she crashed. Navigating "horrendous conditions" at Mount Buller at last year's national championships, she lost control on the first lap and broke two bones: her right shoulder blade and left thumb. In "agony" but refusing to quit, she climbed back on her bike, chased down the lead riders, and won.

But the World Series season opener, her light in the fog, was off the cards. Her scans came back and she withdrew. Or, more accurately, the doctor made her withdraw.

"It was such a hard time," Henderson recalled.

"I was not in a good place at all. The only thing that got me out of bed each day was training, and it was the only purpose that I had. Day by day I was like, 'I can't go on', but I was like, 'I can do today'. That was as far as I could go. One to two days was all I could kind of manage.

"Brazil was a really big goal and I wanted to prove to myself that I could be good again.

"People were saying, 'This injury will be a blessing'. Well, sometimes things just really suck. Everything's done, and then it's just taken away from you in no time."

Henderson has encountered some difficult life events in recent years, like the crash at Mount Buller and a divorce in 2022.

But she says her struggles are largely down to how her brain is wired; the lemons tossed up by life merely exacerbate the storm within.

"I've been unpacking a lot of things about how I grew up and my way to think and my way to see myself – just a lot of factors that are all 'me' things," she said.

"I have very high anxiety and depression, and depression runs in my family.

"Everything's kind of under control and then you just explode.

"I've felt my whole life, more or less, no matter what I do it's not good enough, and I'm not good enough."

It's tremendously sad that someone as successful as Henderson – a four-time Olympian, a World Series winner, a world championship medallist, and a 13-time national champion – can feel like they're "not good enough".

It's also a confronting reflection of the nature of mental health.

"It doesn't discriminate," Henderson said.

On many occasions, she's found herself crying in the gym or crying before setting out for a ride.

She invariably cracks the whip.

"It's like, 'Time to do your intervals. No more time for that. Go'. I'm just so firm and hard with myself. It's like, 'Go. It's time to work'.

"And I will just beat myself up if I don't do what's required, and that's such a hard balance to manage.

"I have been brutally hard on myself. The self-sabotage and the self-destruction is a big part of my undoing.

"I'm learning now to speak differently to myself and learning that I wouldn't speak to other young riders the way I do myself.

"I've always had so much compassion and empathy for others, and not for myself."

A smile, oftentimes, shrouds the struggle.

"It's just a big coping strategy," she said.

"So people see this happy girl and it's very hard for people to realise what you're going through, and no matter how many times you speak about it or explain, my face says a different story, and it's very confusing."

The psychologist Henderson is working with – the psychologist who's changed her life – was sourced through the Australian Sports Commission's mental health referral network.

"I've managed some really dark places alone," she said.

"The 2024-25 summer was the absolute rock bottom.

"I think around the Paris Olympics was the beginning of things completely coming undone, but I still had it together a bit.

"And then that next summer was a really hard one to get through.

"I reached out to a few friends at times saying I can't live anymore, and the alarm bells weren't going off even though I was very clear in what I was saying.

"And then I found the psychologist I have now."

A smile spread across Henderson's face as she said that last line, and her shoulders relaxed.

"She wasn't asking me about my day-to-day," she explained.

"It was so much deeper than that, and it was the first time I have ever felt understood. Ever.

"It's truly amazing when you find someone who can help you. She's just the most wonderful and amazing person, and I actually look forward to going."

She's still "a work in progress", but the impact has been profound.

"I can sleep in general, which is huge, especially as an athlete," she said.

"I'm not questioning if I can pass the day or get to tomorrow, which is big, and I don't think so far ahead to being old and things like that.

"My day-to-day is so much nicer and I'm so much more peaceful within myself and I'm able to process my relationships differently.

"The biggest thing has just been understanding myself and why I am this way, why I think this way, and why I respond this way. The understanding of myself is so important as the person who's felt like they've never, ever been understood, and that allows me to be so much kinder to myself.

"My psychologist has given me so many tools in my toolbox to manage and to change.

"I can't go back to how I was living and feeling, and so I work harder with a psychologist than more or less I do on a bike. It's been a huge undertaking."

She feels it's important to be "transparent and real".

"I don't just want to show the shiny side of being an athlete," she said.

And if sharing her story can help someone else, she's thrilled.

"When you hit rock bottom," Henderson said, "there's only one way to go."

If you or anyone you know needs immediate support, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or via lifeline.org.au. In an emergency, call 000