'My partner was so controlling he devised exercise and diet regimens for me'

Coercive control may be a lesser-known side of domestic abuse, but it’s every bit as damaging and dangerous. Author Helen Walmsley-Johnson shares her story.

I was in my early 40s and had been divorced for 10 years when I met Franc. He was handsome, funny, French, utterly charming and completely swept me off my feet. Mutual friends introduced us, so it felt as though he came with a recommendation.

There were a couple of things on our first date that I remember: another man was talking to me and he said something like, "I can’t leave you alone for a minute" - a bit possessive given we’d only just met.

When we went our separate ways I offered him my phone number, which he refused, and gave me his. "You," he said, "will call me." That irritated me. I called him three days later. I think he knew I would. Predatory men like him can spot a potential victim a mile off.

I suppose the first thing was when he took me shopping for my Christmas present. You know the scene in Pretty Woman when Richard Gere takes Julia Roberts shopping? It was like that.

We’d been seeing each other for about six weeks. Then he started telling me what to wear and how to dress, dropped hints about my weight, and began to tell me what he would and wouldn’t eat and what I could cook for him. We used to go out for dinner a lot and he would always choose my food – he didn’t want me to speak to a waiter.

He began to get really jealous if I spoke to a man or if I had a social event at work (I worked in a hospital). It’s a drip-drip-drip of things that you gradually become used to.

It’s just so easy to explain away at first. I mean how often do any of us drop all our friends to spend every minute with our new boyfriend? Or chuck out a dress because he doesn’t like it? These things sound trivial but that’s how it works: by the time you realise what’s happening you can’t get out.

We had endless rows about money – he said he wanted to 'manage it' for me. I’d had a joint account with my ex-husband and I knew how that ended. I refused, and thank God I did because once your money is no longer your own, your escape route is cut off.

He devised huge exercise and diet regimens for me. I dropped down to a size 6 – I was so thin. He checked my gym attendance card and would come with me to make sure I was doing as I was told.

WATCH: How we can all help change the conversation around domestic violence and controlling behaviours.

Then, when we’d been together about six months, we went to have dinner with a friend of mine (unusual because he didn’t like my friends) and I didn’t want to leave when he did so we stayed a bit longer.

When we got home he walked behind me and punched me in the side of the head. Men like him use violence sparingly. They want to show you they can and what will happen if you don’t do as you’re told. I only needed a look from him after that.

He followed me to a restaurant where I was at a leaving dinner for one of our doctors. I could see him through the window. When I checked my phone there were dozens of texts, missed calls and voicemails. I didn’t know what to do. You can love and be afraid of someone at the same time – I didn’t know that.

It was a light summer evening in the city and so many people must have seen him grab me by the throat but nobody said a thing.

Women in situations like mine drop dozens of hints because we want someone to ask the right question, the one that we can answer without feeling fear or shame. Other people are just very good at seeing what they want to see. And there’s the cultural thing of not wanting to get involved.

Because I kept things he’d written to me I’ve been able to work out how he did it – there was this one impossible thing that he kept saying to me: 'If you loved me, you’d know what to do to make me happy'. I never seemed to be able to do that but I kept trying because that was how I was brought up, and how a great many women are still brought up – to be the peacemaker, homemaker, everything has to be perfect.

You sacrifice your own feelings and needs for the sake of calm and stability. Then he’d tell me something and later change the story: like when we moved into our new flat and he said he’d book a van. On the day we were supposed to move he said I was supposed to have done that. This is gas lighting. By then I was in such a state I couldn’t remember what he’d said and not said. He did that kind of thing all the time.

In the end, his work took him back to France and that saved me because it meant I had some head space. If that hadn’t happened, I was such a mess I don’t think I would have been able to get away. I began to understand what he was doing to me.

Leaving a relationship like this is, I know now, the most dangerous time because you’re breaking the control. I started looking for work and got a job. I didn’t tell him about any of that while I was doing it – I covered my tracks. Then I told him as he was leaving to go back to France with a couple of his friends and he couldn’t do anything because there were witnesses. That weekend I moved.

It takes time, strength and determination to get back to normal, but I got to the top of my profession during which I also wrote for the Guardian newspaper and website. I then decided to move to writing full-time and moved to the countryside.

I have dated, but have never found anyone I liked enough to make a go of it.  And anyway, I’m so happy on my own – it’s the freedom. I’ve travelled and I do what I like when I like. Everything I’ve got now is the result of my own hard work – it’s not much but it’s mine.

Hand on heart, I am now deeply and profoundly content. With two non-fiction books under my belt, I’m working on my first novel. It’s something that I’ve been picking up and putting down for the last five or six years so it feels really good to be able to give it the time it deserves.

Other than that I’m enjoying getting my cooking skills back (I use lots of garlic – Franc hated garlic), spending time with family and friends, reading for pleasure and walking… lots and lots of walking – it’s when I do most of my thinking.

There is a life after one (or even two) of these relationships, but you have to make it for yourself and that takes time. It’s sure as hell worth it though.

What is coercive control?

The types of behaviour associated with coercion or control may or may not constitute a criminal offence in their own right. It is important to remember that the presence of controlling or coercive behaviour does not mean that no other offence has been committed or cannot be charged.

However, the perpetrator may limit space for action and exhibit a story of ownership and entitlement over the victim. Such behaviours might include:

• Isolating a person from their friends and family
• Depriving them of their basic needs
• Monitoring their time
• Monitoring a person via online communication tools or using spyware
• Taking control over aspects of their everyday life, such as where they can go, who they can see, what to wear and when they can sleep
• Depriving them of access to support services, such as specialist support or medical services
• Repeatedly putting them down such as telling them they are worthless
• Enforcing rules and activity which humiliate, degrade or dehumanise the victim
• Forcing the victim to take part in criminal activity such as shoplifting, neglect or abuse of children to encourage self-blame and prevent disclosure to authorities
• Financial abuse including control of finances, such as only allowing a person a punitive allowance
• Threats to hurt or kill
• Threats to a child
• Threats to reveal or publish private information
• Assault
• Criminal damage such as destruction of household goods
• Rape
• Preventing a person from having access to transport to or from working

This is not an exhaustive list. For assistance or advice on coercive control, visit White Ribbon.

Helen Walmsley-Johnson’s gripping memoir on how she was trapped by a smiling abuser, Look What You Made Me Do (Pan Macmillan, $34.99) is available now.