Unsealed Section: 'An open letter to men who have sex with the women I love'

This is an extract from Taboo by Hannah Ferguson, published by Affirm Press, RRP $34.99.

Hello, people I hope are hot, politically progressive and great with their hands,

I'd like to start by saying: lucky you. My friends are beautiful, kind and the right kind of critical. I pray you get this right for all our sakes. I will hear about it either way in excruciating detail.

I'm glad more men know where the clitoris is after years of social media pressuring you into caring about it.

READ MORE: It was the photo fans itched for – now it leaves a bad taste in their mouths

Many of my friends have sex with people who are not men, and if this is you, there's no need to continue reading.

Back to it. I'd next like to suggest that you ask someone for feedback on how you're rubbing the clit. Just a thought: do not get confident with identification alone. We are not looking to have a fire started in our sacred areas, so let's get excited to learn more. Let's go beyond a couple of swipes before entry.

Now, I'm going to attempt to undo the learnings from the hardcore, violent pornography you've been watching to learn how to have sex. I can say pretty generally that we aren't liking that. Some people do, but until such a preference is explicitly confirmed, please do not hit us. We also do not like you thrashing around in the penetration department as if we are a mannequin for your needs. The jackhammer days are over. Unless we communicate clearly and directly that's what we want, it is not the default.

It isn't your fault that you thought all that was normal: we were also taught that was how it's supposed to be done. This might surprise you, but we were exposed to a lot of the same material. And now I'm telling you it isn't the way we like it to happen, so listen up.

First thing's first. Great sex is never actually about the sex.

Being 'good' at sex isn't about some very secretive coveted sex technique: it is about communication.

Sex is a mental act more than a physical one. Sexual 'skill' isn't all about placing a pillow under our lower back during penetration – although it does help a lot and I recommend you try it – it's about emotional awareness.

READ MORE: Four letters revealed their 'feud' had ended – but it was too late

When we have sex, it can be sexy to say you want to 'f--k' us. But it's important to understand that sex isn't something you are doing to us.

Your ability to pleasure a partner is directly related to your willingness to listen, to consider and to respond to their needs and wants. It is a rhythm you are moving to, a piece you are composing together. We are people constructing an experience that feeds on and improves with a constant feedback loop.

It isn't sexually conservative or regressive to ask that we all start at a point of mutual respect, communication and seeing each other as equal partners with an equal share of needs, desires and wants.

We want to know about what you like just as much, but that involves you exploring yourself outside what the theatrics of mainstream porn have wrongly taught you. If you build to an understanding of power dynamics, kinks and curiosity – fantastic. I don't want to yuck your yum. I'm asking that you never assume. Sex is a mental act because it relies on individual interests and emotions: the connection is dependent on every person's psychological state and capacity to engage. Remember this every single time. Context is key.

READ MORE: One topic you're banned from ever asking superstar about

Oh, this might just be almost every experience I've ever had, but please stop sticking your tongue down their throat. This is an important one. We aren't having a race to see who can imitate a washing machine fastest. Kiss on the lips, gently, and build to a more passionate open-mouth situation. Once again, I'm not claiming to have a one-size-fits-all answer here. But let connection evolve through pacing, feeling, responding. You need to check in and you need to be aware of your surroundings and your partner's the entire time. Do not rush – the momentum is the moment.

Penetration isn't an inevitability, but a potential pathway on an exploration of pleasure. Intimacy is not finalised through your orgasm; that is merely a part of the experience that can bring satisfaction to all people involved. It is attractive to ask, to check in, to improve. If you're struggling with an erection, please do not be anxious. A safe sexual partner will reassure you – we just want to know how we can help and talk it through with you. I feel closer to a sexual partner when they are willing to share these obstacles with me. It does not kill the vibe – it's a different opportunity for intimacy.

Sex does not depend on your dick being hard. Have a shower, touch, cuddle, kiss, ask to go down on your partner, order a sweet treat. There are endless options.

Do ask them what you can do for them: verbally seeking feedback and instruction isn't 'ruining the mood'; it is bringing me closer to orgasm. It is showing me you care. Women feel more able to climax, more willing to release and experience pleasure for prolonged periods, when we feel safe to be in our bodies. Tell us we look beautiful; say we are hot. Affirm us. Seek and expect those same compliments and support in return from your partner. Words matter, and body language is vital. It is incredibly hot to be talked to during sex. Make noises, suggest things, look us in the eyes. Direct communication like this is attractive.

Foreplay and aftercare are not accessories to penetration; they are the main sexual events. If you are in a relationship, every single thing you do in the lead-up to sex is foreplay. The way you look at them when you wake up together. What you say as you're walking out the door. The dinner you planned for them tonight. The washing you did just to get ahead because you know they have a busy week. Did you get the crossword for them out of the paper (I am 90 years old; this is niche)? Are you capable of managing the household when they are having a tough day? Is this equal? Not in the 'I vacuumed two weeks ago though!' way, but in a genuine mental load way? It's in the way you text them throughout the day; how you talk about them with your friends and in front of your families; the things you do for yourself and your own mental health. Your consistency can define your connection.

These are all central tenets of foreplay. We can feel desirable when we feel seen, heard and cared for. It isn't clothes off, a kiss on the mouth and a dick inside. It is our entire personhood. See us.

READ MORE: He was our next action hero. A split second on set derailed everything

Aftercare is the post-sex ritual people engage in together. It is an opportunity to make sure every person feels safe, comfortable and cared for in whatever way they may need. Aftercare is the shower you have together. It is hand-holding and touch. Sometimes it is saving up the funny videos you've seen you know they would like. It is laughter and playfulness and cuddling. It is trip-planning and cocktail-making and candle-lighting. It is the clear understanding that you were not just seeking out sex, someone to get you off, but a connected experience with sexual partners you care for as people.

At all of the times in my life that I believed my libido was 'low' or even 'dead', it was never because I didn't want to have sex – but because I didn't have sexual experiences that were intimate. I more often felt violated afterwards than connected. When we are struggling with low sex drive, do not suggest more sex. Look at the context in which sex exists; look at the factors impacting your and their mental health and lifestyle. Relinquish your expectations around sex entirely and make an effort to enjoy their company again. Carrying the mental load and caring for them in ways they appreciate and need are some of the most effective ways to identify why a disconnect has occurred and to turn back to one another.

One of the most important things you can do to improve partnered sex is this: consider what makes it easier for you to access pleasure. Go beyond penetration. What does your partner do that makes you feel attractive? What do you do for yourself that makes you feel desirable? What parts of sex make you feel best, and why? When you consider your authentic sexual self, not the performance derived from pornography or what you believe a man should be in the bedroom, you allow yourself to experience true intimacy.

READ MORE: Two-word label young superstar is being forced to defend herself against

You have been taught that your masculinity defines you, that the greatest shame is to be weak. But what if the self-belief that masculinity is the only option for men is part of that problem?

Dating apps, hookup culture and situationships are all the result of a society of people scared of being alone or being in a long-term unhappy partnership. We need to take this insecurity and turn it into clear communication. Be the people you say you are, do not play games and always try to respond to your partners' bids for connection. When you're confused: ask. Sex, consent and intimacy are complex topics that we were never taught adequately. That will change for the next generation, but for now, ask the question.

Most men are so afraid of getting it wrong that they never try to get it right, opting for silence or presumptions in place of clear conversation. We would prefer a partner who was clunky in their approach to consent to one who didn't ask. I would always choose someone who asks for feedback on their fingering over a confident man who hasn't made it past my labium majus for the last twenty minutes.

Feminist sex does not look like any one thing: it involves consenting parties who have an ongoing connection and discussion around their needs, their environment and their relationship with pleasure. As illustrator Flo Perry said in an interview with Vice, the most feminist sex people can have is the sex they want to have, not the sex they believe they should be having.

Oh, and lingerie is a gift for you. Not them. So buy it, but don't expect gratitude. It's a fun extra, not the centrepiece of a birthday or Christmas present (unless explicitly requested).

Also, please try reading smut instead of watching PornHub.

Hannah.

FOLLOW US ON WHATSAPP HERE: Stay across all the latest in celebrity, lifestyle and opinion via our WhatsApp channel. No comments, no algorithm and nobody can see your private details.