Sami Lukis: 'I've figured out the mistake we're all making with online dating'

I've discovered why so many singles have become disheartened by online dating. Seriously, everyone I know is OVER IT.

I think it's because the entire industry is based on one giant misunderstanding.

Technology really started to redefine how we fall in love back in the 1990s, with the creation of so-called 'dating' websites. When the swiping culture of 'dating' apps appeared in the noughties, we thought it'd be easier than ever to find our 'happily ever afters'.

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But then we realised people sometimes behave behind screens in ways they would never behave in the real world, and that apps are rife with players who treat online dating more like a video game than a viable opportunity to make any kind of meaningful connection.  

Eventually, like so many frustrated and fatigued singles, I started to wonder if the online approach to dating might not necessarily be the right path for me after all. It started to feel like a chore, like it just wasn't worth my effort, energy or emotion. Technology had somehow taken all the fun out of dating.

But one simple realisation has completely renewed my enthusiasm for the process: I realised online dating isn't really 'dating' at all.  

My epiphany came from an article written by a professor of psychology, who reckons the term 'online dating' is a misnomer.

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On a practical level, what most of us refer to as 'online dating' actually only provides us with an opportunity to 'connect' with people online. After you've made that initial connection, you might agree to meet.

And then, only after you've met in person (and if the planets align, and they're a nice person, and your kid-free weeks match up...) you might decide to 'date'.

If you go into the process expecting to 'date' everyone you swipe right on, you're putting too much pressure on the outcome and setting yourself up for failure.

By simply changing your mindset and accepting it for what it is — ie. a 'connection' — you can adjust your expectations accordingly.

How do you know when you're officially 'dating' someone, anyway? It's a tricky one to define. I wouldn't consider I'm dating a guy until I've been out with him at least five times. For some people, it's more about a moment, like when they introduce you to friends or family, or when you first sleep together.  

I found one survey that said a quarter of people considered themselves to be officially dating someone after… their first kiss. I mean, can you even imagine? Was that survey from 1952? Have these people never heard of the sneaky pash 'n' dash? I once had three P&Ds during one especially wild night out in London many years ago, and I definitely wasn't dating any of those fellas. I didn't even know their names!

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I interviewed a dating strategist on my podcast recently who also refuses to use the term 'online dating'. Instead, she calls it "an intention to meet" (which actually makes a lot more sense than the concept of paying someone to help me 'strategise' for my next date).

You can't possibly know if you'd like to date someone until you've met them in person. That all-important chemistry can only be experienced IRL. It's the look of sincerity in his eyes when he's talking to you. The sound of his laugh. That moment when you spontaneously reach across and tap his leg when he says something funny.

For me, the pheromones are a deal breaker. I once had to stop seeing a guy because I was weirdly repulsed by his scent. I'm not talking about a little cheeky morning breath or that nasty post-workout man sweat — it was the guy's natural body odour, which I found to be undeniably nauseating.

It was also terribly unfortunate, because he was smart and kind and handsome and there was nothing else to dislike about the guy… other than his au-naturale eau-de-odious.  

The situation was especially unbearable when we had sex. It was like a chemical reaction when his pheromones met mine. The foul odour oozing from his pores would literally make me gag. In the end, I decided it must have been some kind of primal alarm system, warning our bodies that we just didn't fit. Maybe it was the universe begging us not to multiply?  

If pheromones can attract people in some kind of animalistic scientific way, it makes sense that they could have the reverse effect as well. For all I know, he was having the exact same reaction to my body odour the whole time.  

Today, the online romance industry is big business, with more than 1500 sites and apps to choose from. That can certainly open the door to countless connections and intentions to meet — but I really think you'd do yourself a massive favour by simply adjusting your mindset from online dating to online connecting.

If you do that, I can't guarantee you'll miraculously meet your match, but it'll definitely make the process a lot more enjoyable.

You can follow Sami on Instagram @samilukis