'When you get cancer, you find out what your friends really think of you'

When something unpleasant happens to you – cancer, divorce, job loss, a freak accident – you find out exactly what your friends think of you. It's in their actions and in their words. And sometimes in their silence.

But that's not necessarily a bad thing, regardless of how it feels.

It means you can put the spotlight on the great friends and dim the light on the ones that made you feel low when you were already feeling dreadful; nauseous, stressed and grappling with post-surgery pain. The spotlight should be reserved for those who are highlights in your life, and not wasted on people who don't deserve space on your stage.

You might have a handful of friends who want to help you, or maybe just the one – if that's you, thank your lucky stars.

Many of us have a large circle of friends and, trust me, you'll be incredibly surprised to discover who actually gives a s--- about you and who does not.

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As a cancer survivor, I've seen it all when it comes to friends. There are two distinct categories – real friends and useless friends. Other people say "fake" but useless is much more fitting.

When it comes to friendship, they might as well be ghosts. Oh, they might still hover around you from an arm's length, in the distance. A mild haunting. Yes, a haunting that might be worth your while to have exorcised.

One so-called friend, on learning I had cancer, sent me a love heart emoji and then disappeared. She lived a short drive away. Seven months later, she must have felt guilty, so she left a BBQ chicken on my front door step with a note.

I only knew it was there when I went looking for Fat Felix, my cat. He was eating the BBQ chicken, licking his lips and purring. He couldn't believe his luck! Seriously, I wish this was fiction. You cannot make this shit up.

Those friends are only there so they can reassure themselves that they did "something" and they are inherently good people. They aren't the ones cooking for your kids or calling you through the weeks of radiation. They're the ones who forget you exist until they need a dose of feel good or attention.

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As you're battling cancer, or a similar challenge, they could very possibly drop over with a meal or flowers or just to give you a hug. Anything is better than an emoji. Sure, it's nice to see a heart emoji, once or twice. But as the months drag on, it's as meaningless as their friendship.

I've spoken to many cancer survivors and all of them have said the same thing to me; some friends will disappoint you.

People do strange things when faced with someone's mortality. One friend ignored me when she caught my eye at the supermarket. Suddenly, she was engrossed in cucumbers. Yes, cucumbers.

When I walked over to her, she grabbed her phone and pretended to talk to somebody. This was not necessary. All she had to do was say, "Hello! It's nice to see you, I hope you are okay." She couldn't do that though; she didn't even try.

Another friend made my cancer all about her – she was angry that I'd let a mutual friend know my bad news before I told her. She bombarded me with text messages, berating me for not telling her first. At that time, I was overcome with nerves about my upcoming surgery. The stress and anxiety surrounding cancer is just awful.

When you have cancer, you find out what your friends really think of you.

A friend who lost a child tells me people would cross the street rather than have to talk to her. They don't know what to say. Many people cannot cope with those who are grieving. It is a stark reminder that life is fragile.

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During my cancer journey, I had dozens of messages from casual friends: "You will be fine, you're super strong!"

They were right. I'm very strong and I am fine – (what if they thought I was strong but I really wasn't? People fake being strong all the time!) Either way, it still would have been very nice to see them, or receive a "get well soon" card.

If I'd had a baby, people would have sent me a card or a basket of fruit. But when you go through hard times, many people will ignore you until you are back on your feet again. This isn't complaining, even if it might seem like it. This is to highlight how important those other friends are.

One wonderful woman drove for six hours to give me a hug and drop off family meals. Another friend dropped in with home-made soup and a Dominick Dunne novel. Those friends are priceless.

My friend Melanie battled cancer too and she shares my feelings about some of the people in her life.

"One friend would just sit in front of me and sob. She told me she had to stop seeing me until I was okay. It was too hard for her. Then I saw her years later and she said 'Oh, we can go back to how it was!' And obviously I said 'No I don't think so'. Another friend got mad at me because I showed up for morning tea in a headscarf and she said, 'Now I have to be reminded you have cancer while I have coffee.'

"My sister had a best friend since year seven. When she told her she had cancer at age 26, she never heard from her again. Some people just can't cope," Melanie says.

So, if you fall into tough times, just be very aware that you will find out who your friends are. Always hold your true friends close to you, they are worth their weight in gold.

These days, I'll only focus on the friends who actually gave a shit about me. The rest are ghosts to me now. They might appear in my dreams. But then they disappear again, high in the sky, into the clouds where they belong.