Married At First Sight recap, Episode 17: Ticking clocks and cheese platters

Well, well, well. How are we all doing?

It's our first episode since learning that Andrew is not the innocent, jilted groom we once believed and, honestly, things will never be the same.

Jonesy might not remember anything that went down at the boys' night, but lucky for us the reality TV cameras never forget.

We begin with Sean and Susan meddling their way over to a newly spray-tanned Cheryl to tell her all the horrible things Jonesy has said about her.

Unfortunately, Sean doesn't remember any of the exact horrible things Andrew said – like, "I'm single", "I liked Lauren better", insert honking boob gesture here – so most of the impact is lost.

Instead, Cheryl is given a vague rundown of how her groom spent the night "trashing" her.

"Andrew's the oldest guy here," ponders Cheryl. "Wouldn't you think he'd have more morals?...I'm pissed off at him. I feel like Andrew doesn't have my back."

Correct!

And there's only one way to fix this drama: a couch therapy session with John Aiken.

RELATED: Read 9Honey's full recap of Married At First Sight's Episode 16

While the six other couples are subjected to dinners with their parents and in-laws, Andrew and Cheryl sit down with John to see if he can solve the train wreck.

"They're in crisis," John tells us. Still, he pokes the bear, asking how DID that boys' night go, Andrew?

"I'm unsure," says Jonesy, looking blank. "The night's a little bit hazy. I honestly can't remember a thing."

While Andrew did appear to be heavily intoxicated at the boys' night, this seems an all-too-convenient cop out.

Cheryl's like boy, no. You are 38, and you definitely remember everything.

More than anything, I wished John would roll out a TV and play back that scene for him. But alas, no luck.

Andrew suggests he move back in with Cheryl, and everyone agrees this is a great idea. I can't help but feel like Cheryl would be singing a different tune if she knew exactly what went down at the boys' night.

But now for the real reason John Aiken has agreed to assist them! He sees this as a perfect opportunity to beta test a new segment: Relationship Bootcamp.

"This is an experiment within an experiment!" he declares.

The bootcamp consists of John sending Andrew and Cheryl on a beachfront lunch date. But they won't just be left to make small talk over fish and chips — he has a trick up his sleeve!

John has made them a photo album full of their finest memories from the show, including the iconic salt and pepper dance moment and their Grounds of Alexandria date.

Flipping through the glossy, ready-for-TV photos makes Andrew decide that maybe Cheryl actually is his dream woman.

Still he complains that, "Coming into lunch, Cheryl was very hungry. And when Cheryl gets hungry she gets cranky."

After they finishing fawning over their shared experiences, they start debating who wants to be in this relationship less.

"Can you believe I'm still doing this?" Jonesy whines, sticking to his victim narrative. "After all these weeks, and I don't even know if you're interested. I honestly don't even know what to do."

Sorry, Jonesy. I don't think you'll be getting the sympathy vote anytime soon.

Now, onto the couples who've actually played by the rules and followed the episode's planned agenda!

They've all been sent to various eating locales to see just how much they'll squirm when their family members collide with their partner's family members.

Here we go!

ANTHONY & NADIA
To combat their joint frigidness, Anthony and Nadia are at a beautiful winery outside Sydney where they meet up with Nadia's sister and various members of Anthony's family.

Anthony's mum and sister look just like him, which is sweet and disconcerting at the same time. Meanwhile, his identical twin brother is a no-show.

His mother is keen to know if and when she can expect her first grandchild. No one has the heart to tell her that these two can't even get through a hug, let alone conceive a child. Instead, Anthony says this:

"We would both like children. Nadia's the one that would have to bore the child, so it's important that she's on board."

Anthony's family laughs, but Nadia's sister looks rightly horrified.

And THEN, Anthony says he wants a boy so he can take him to the races.

"Um, can't you take a girl to the races?" asks Nadia's sister.

"No," says Anthony flatly.

He also rattles on about how he doesn't really miss Nadia when they're apart.

"I describe [getting matched with Nadia] like asking Santa Claus for a bike and getting a skateboard," says Anthony, not seeing why this statement might by offensive.

As everyone around him recoils in horror, he tries to backtalk by saying that the skateboard is the upgrade! And that he REALLY liked skateboarding growing up!

SUSAN & SEAN
These two and their amazing accessories! Sean wears one of his giant belt buckles and Susan has upped her hair clip game yet again as they set out to dine in a small dining room filled with horse paintings.

"You'll be a horse lady before you know it!" Sean says with delight.

Susan's bridesmaids and Sean's dad join them.

Poor Sean's dad has yet to be filled in on the couple's irreconcilable geographic differences, so he quickly receives a rude awakening.

And yet! Sean's dad is a modern-day Hitch who encourages them to believe in "options", and Susan leaves the dinner with renewed hope that she and Sean can work!

ANDY & VANESSA
Rather than going to a restaurant, Andy has cooked dinner for everyone at his and Vanessa's apartment.

This would be a lovely sentiment — if he didn't have a mother whose main concern is that her daughter-in-law be an excellent cook for her big, baby boy.

Andy's eyes are dead, knowing that nothing can please his mother.

Mum's eyes, however, dance upon arrival at the smell of food thinking Vanessa has done the cooking. She even brings her a giant bouquet of flowers to thank her for slaving away in the kitchen.

But soon the illusion is shattered.

"I don't love cooking, no," says Vanessa. And she's not apologising.

In fact, Nessie goes on to straight up insult Andy's hometown. 

Still! She manages to redeem herself with a line no mother-in-law can resist!

Yep, Vanessa tells Andy's mum that, at 31, she's almost past her expiry date, so she needs to get crackin' on those kids soon.

This leads Andy's mum to end the evening proudly saying she thinks Vanessa is The One.

MICHELLE & JESSE
Oh, Jesse. He decides to impress everyone by "taking control of the cheese platter" as he and Michelle make dinner in their kitchen.

This is what he creates:

Michelle is horrified because everyone knows the appetiser plate is everyone's favourite plate and must be curated to the perfect ratio of cheese to cracker to cured meats.

"The grazing plate, that's my jam," Michelle tells us, dismayed at what she's witnessed. "That's my s---. Oh my godfather!"

But the evening must go on! Everyone arrives, including the twins' dad, Jesse's mum, and his stepdad Pete — who, based on what we see here, is terrible.

He drills Michelle on everything, including tonight's hot-button issue: kids.

"OK, so you've got a window," insufferable Pete barks. "It's closing quick!"

Because Pete knows SO MUCH MORE about Michelle's body than she does. This encounter does nothing to strengthen Jesse and Michelle's already fragile relationship. Perhaps another naked spray tan is in order.

ALENE & SIMON
The best part of their gathering is that Simon's cool friend Katie is back!!

But also, Simon and Alene are getting along so well.

Everyone agrees they act like a real-life couple, and Simon gets along swimmingly with Alene's sister and brother-in-law — even when they talk about him in Arabic.

"He asked, Is he spoiling you?" Alene's sister translates for her husband. They are mainly concerned if Alene is being hand fed enough chocolates.

SHARON & NICK
Naughty Nick is Nearly Naked Nick as he strolls around house getting ready for their evening out.

While Michelle's dinner was attended by the twins' dad, here we get the twins' mum and stepdad. And they're eager to find out just how naughty Naughty Nick is!

Somehow, he "ticks the boxes" and "passes the test"!

Nick's friend tells everyone that Sharon has been a wonderful influence on Nick, and that he's a changed man.

"I've just polished a turd!" says Sharon poetically.

Next time: Another explosive dinner party! And the Andrew and Cheryl drama SPIRALS even further.

Catch a new episode of Married At First Sight Tuesday night on Nine (and tweet me your predictions @AshleyySpencer). For more on MAFS, including exclusive clips and fun bites, head to 9Now.