'Married At First Sight' recap, Episode 1: Two weddings and a pair of grass shoes

Once again, I've been given the job of recapping Married At First Sight. Did my boss ask me because I'm insightful, witty and observant, or because she knows I have no other plans? I suppose there's no way to tell.

Married At First Sight's sixth season promises to be bigger and better than ever. This year, TWENTY singles will be getting married within moments of meeting, and every viewer in a multi-year relationship will be violently side-eyeing their partner.

The first episode opens with Sydney's city lights and a limousine full of very nervous, very attractive people.

Personally, I'm delighted to see the return of the bucks and hens nights. We missed out on this gloriously awkward tradition last year, but the evil glances and furtive looks are BACK and they are my LIFEBLOOD.

One woman, Heidi, enters wearing grass shoes. There is no explanation for this, unless her shoes broke in a meadow and she worked with what she had.

This man, Mick, is underdressed.

The men explain why they're doing the experiment. Nic beat testicular cancer with chemo and surgery. Now he's ready to settle down and start a family.

Next we meet Matthew. He's a 29-year-old virgin with minimal relationship experience. He also has a very gentle presence and doesn't drink, so as you can imagine everyone flocks to him dramatically with questions and accusations.

"You don't drink, mate?" No.

"What's the story there?" Never been tempted.

"Have you been married before?" No.

"Have you ever had a relationship?" No.

"Do you go dating much?" No.

"What are your thoughts on grass shoes?" What?

I reckon this is roughly the 300000th time Matthew has had these conversations.

You'll remember Elizabeth from the promos because she's the world's most confident woman!

She likes winged eyeliner and gravitates to women wearing orange.

The experts waltz into the bucks and hens nights and remind the participants that they have been extremely busy finding everyone's perfect matches, SO DON'T. EFF. THIS. UP.

Can I just say, Trisha is looking particularly fierce this season.

Mum, Dad and Mum leave the kids to continue partying.

The topic of marital sex is brought up by both groups. (Disappointing for those who had their money on modern gender roles and the complete works of Shakespeare.)

Mostly, everyone agrees not to rush anything on the wedding night. It'll happen when the moment's right!

Matthew, our resident virgin, of course goes straight under the spotlight. The music intensifies and the men step forward, cornering Matthew.

It's like that movie The Grey, except the wolves are male reality TV contestants and Matthew -- well, Matthew seems lovely, but he's not Liam Neeson.

Nic says he "got the vibe that maybe you haven't gone there before." Sex. Nic is talking about sex.

"How have you waited so long, man," asks another man, personally offended. (Alright mate. I don't hear you volunteering.)

But then it's all OK! The men pat Matthew on the back, and praise him for holding onto his values.

This man rubs his hands together with glee. "Your wife's going to be a really lucky girl."

Cam, 34, is asked what kind of woman he's hoping for. He, a man on the shorter side -- or maybe all these other men are abnormally tall -- would like a lady half a fraction shorter than him.

On MAFS, if you express a desire for a certain quality in your partner, you almost always get the opposite. You may as well be a character in a horror movie hiding in a cabin, saying, "He'll never find us here!" before some masked groom in a flannel shirt comes crashing through the wall.

It's time for the matches. After some important scientific work at the lab with the participants, our experts have matched the first two couples:

JULES and CAM, and CYRELL and NIC.

Cue Jagged Edge's 'Let's Get Married'.

Cyrell & Nic

Cyrell is the youngest of seven in a big Filipino family. She lives at home with her mum, who is a delight.

Observation: Lot of backwards caps in this family.

When Cyrell tells her family about the wedding at dinner, her brother Ivan is NOT IMPRESSED.

In fact he is very UNIMPRESSED while the rest of the family seem chill. Ivan and Cyrell are both very loud people. You know how some people can be talking normally, but it could also be mistaken for yelling?

Well then they actually do start yelling and it's fascinating and scary.

"IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. THEY GET EXPERTS—" screams Cyrell.

"NO EXPERT CAN BRING LOVE. IT COMES FROM THE HEART. IT'S PLAIN AND SIMPLE," yells Ivan in return.

So much yelling. Ivan's rant continues. "No-one needs to be marrying a complete stranger!" He threatens that he won't attend Cyrell's wedding.

I wonder why the Nine promos department didn't use this quote in the ads?

Cyrell says a bad word as she tearfully storms out of the room

"DON'T SWEAR IN FRONT OF THE FOOD," says Mum, which is honestly the most important advice that's been offered by anyone tonight.

Because of some smooth-talking producer, probably, Ivan decides to go against instinct and actually turns up at the nuptials, but boy is he maaaaad.

He spends the entire time muttering from his seat and calling the event "disrespectful," which is the same way I behave when someone tries to engage with me about cricket.

At the reception, Cyrell and Nic are getting on relatively well when Ivan takes Nic away for some one-on-one grilling. Nic mentions his reason for not settling down earlier was because he got sick a few years ago and didn't want to take life too seriously at that point.

Ivan is furious that Nic would play the field because of a simple common cold, when Nic informs him that it was actually a touch more serious than that.

Nic delivers the smackdown of a century, telling Ivan he understands his Protective Older Brother shtick but that he also deserves respect. Oh, and that the reason he was sick was because he had cancer. Ivan, scared for his life, returns to Cyrell and gives her his blessing to remain married to Nic.

Thank God.

Next, the far less dramatic and much sweeter wedding.

Jules & Cam

Jules, who runs a cocktail bar that specialises in doing your hair and makeup while you drink (!!!), is happy and successful, but desperately wants a family of her own.

She tells her parents, and her mum Evelyn is so bloody concerned, she's crying.

Cam's parents meet him at the pub. His mum is the most stylish person I've ever seen and I love everything about her.

Cam might be short, but Jules is in for a treat because we get this lil sneak peek.

When the bridesmaids ask Jules what shoes she's decided on, she explains she's wearing heels for the big day, but has a pair of back-up shoes in case her husband is short.

Their wedding is super cute and they like each other immediately.

In fact, the whole event is suspiciously perfect until it's time for the first dance. I guess somebodyleft the CD player at home, because 'Party Rock Anthem' by LMFAO doesn't play.

Perfect Cam takes Jules by the hand and starts dancing with her -- sans song -- and it's awkward at first, but then the music department adds some gentle music in post-production and it's no longer awkward. In fact, it's VERY cute. Bravo. Bravo.

Cam and Jules, I have muchos faith in you both. Don't let me down. DO NOT BETRAY ME.

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Aine Ryan is an entertainment producer at 9Honey Celebrity. Tweet her at @ainefryan about all things Married At First Sight, including your predictions!

Married At First Sight Season 6 airs Sunday at 7pm and Monday to Wednesday at 7:30pm on Nine. Catch up on exclusive interviews and gossip at 9Honey Celebrity. Missed an episode? Get your Married At First Sight recaps here. MAFS obsessed? Tune into 9Honey's weekly chat show, Talking Married, where you'll get the inside scoop on every episode. For more on MAFS, including past episodes and behind-the-scenes clips, head to the official site.