'I was such a jerk': Three women on why they ghosted their exes

We hear from three women who all – for quite different reasons – ended up ghosting men they were dating.

Some were veeeeery early in the relationship – one was three months in. So… why? Here they explain why, when and how they feel about it now.

"I was creeped out"

During a bit of a dating app blitz one night, Keisha swiped right on a guy – got the 'you're a match' message and then, a few seconds later, her phone pinged with a new message from him.

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'Hi! So nice to match with you Keisha! How are you?'

A little taken aback at how fast he messaged, Keisha also enjoyed that she wasn't having to wait to see if he'd be the one to message first, or what she might say as a first message – and, he was the only guy messaging back that night that didn't just send a gross message right off the bat.

"I'd matched with two other guys that night and they'd both messaged stuff like 'Wanna come over?' Eurgh."

Keisha messaged back and forth for quite a long time – he seemed nice enough – and then said she was going to bed. In the morning she had a new message from him. He said it might sound a bit rushed and maybe too soon, but he was going to be going away for work for two weeks from tomorrow, but was free that night if she'd be up for getting a quick drink.

"I didn't have any plans, so I figured, 'What the hell, I'll go,'" says Keisha.

At first the date seemed pretty great. But, Keisha started to get a weird feeling about him.

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"I have a few dating rules for myself and one is that I don't let a guy know where I live until we've been dating a while," she says.

Her date – let's call him Tim – seemed to want to know where she lived. "I gave him a suburb, and he was like, 'What street?', and I just said that I was near the park, but he kept coming back to it, saying different streets around there where he had lived or friends had lived and wondered how close I was to them.

"Something was just creeping me out a bit. He was talking about all the other dates we'd go on, like, 'I can't wait to take you to XYZ restaurant' or, 'I can't wait for you to meet my friend Ben'. It didn't feel like a first date at all by that point."

Keisha said her goodbyes and then ended up getting an Uber, even though she drove and parked on a little side street. "I'd driven and had one glass of wine, but he said he'd walk me to my car so I panicked and said I'd got an Uber. I figured it was easier, safer and I could just walk to my car in the morning."

When she got into the Uber she already had a message: "So good to meet you in person. Goodnight darling."

Keisha didn't reply.

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She then got a message from him that night at the airport – a selfie, and then a message saying he'd miss her. She replied, 'Have a good trip!'

The following day she received flowers at work. There was a message from Tim about how sorry he was to be heading away for work. 'Won't always be like this, babe!' it said.

"I was creeped out," says Keisha.

So, she completely ghosted. His messages ramped up – he even called her workplace a few times asking for her. He sent her messages on social media.

"He kept saying he just wanted to understand why I wouldn't talk to him after we had the best connection and best date of his life," says Keisha.

"Part of me wanted to reply, but I thought it would just encourage him, so I ghosted him."

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Keisha says she's never ghosted someone before or since ('I don't think ones we're you've just exchanged a few messages on Tinder should count!), but she says she's happy she ghosted Tim.

"I was bored?"

Lilly had been on three dates with Michael. The third date had turned into a sleepover at his house.

"We went out for brunch the next morning," she says. "It was fine. He was a nice guy. It was just… meh?"

They messaged back and forth for the rest of the week, trying to work when they might be able to meet up again, but Lilly wasn't getting pinned down to another date.

"I was just working out if I wanted to see him again," she says. "I just wasn't really feeling it."

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Then a guy she'd dated a few years earlier started messaging her.

"He's probably not as nice a guy," she says, "but we had real chemistry. He's so fun and we have lots in common."

Michael messaged her the next morning and asked if she wanted to go to a movie that weekend.

"I feel bad, but I didn't reply," she says. "I think I was just… a bit bored or something with him? It was mean, but I kind of forgot about it a few days and then it felt weird to text back so I left it."

Lilly says the guy she started seeing afterwards – the guy from her past – ended up cheating on her with her flat mate.

"That was shitty, because I also had to find a new place to live," she says. "One of my friends said it was karma for ghosting Michael – rude – maybe it was, so I regret it."

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"I just didn't want to be mean and break up with him"

Sally and Pete had been dating for three months. She'd met him in a bar.

"He was really cute and had good chat, but he was on a stag's do – not his! – so had to move on to the next bar with those guys and we exchanged numbers," she says.

Over the next few months they got into a bit of a rhythm, going for dates. They never had 'the conversation' but it felt like they'd fallen into being in a relationship. It was assumed they'd be spending the weekends together.

Sally wasn't sure if she was really all that into it though.

"He was really cute and a great guy, but the spark that was there the first night we met didn't really seem to last long," she says. "He was really nice, but was quite different to the usual kind of guy I date. We had a few differences – some around religion, but I wanted to be open minded, because the type of guy I'd been dating obviously wasn't working for me."

Then, over the next few weeks, things started going wrong for Pete. His sister got ill and his workplace went through a restructure – he was having to reapply for a new role.

"It's so mean of me, and now when I look back I have so much regret," says Sally. "But, I knew we weren't a good match. I felt like that was quite clear. But now he had all this heavy stuff on, so I didn't want to be mean and break up with him too."

So… she just didn't text back.

He called and then messaged her after a few days and said, "Are you OK? I'm getting worried that I haven't heard from you!"

And… Sally still didn't reply.

"I was such a jerk," she says. "Looking back at it, that is so clear. I just stupidly felt like I would be meaner saying I didn't want to see him anymore, while he was going through so much."

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Sally says she's thought about apologising a few times over the last few years.

"I looked at his social media about three months ago," she says. "He had pics of his wedding – his wife looked really beautiful. And then pics of his pregnant wife. I guess he won in the end."

This article was reproduced with permission from Capsule NZ. To read the original article, click here.

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