'Doesn't feel natural': Zoe Marshall gets candid about 'anxiety' before travelling without kids

As a master manifesto, you really need to be careful what you wish for.

Very deliberate – because when The White Lotus season two came out, I was sitting there watching the glory of the Sicilian Coast, just mesmerised by the hotel and the beach and the food.

I just paused the show, looked at Benji and said, "I will be there for my 40th birthday", continued to watch and didn't think much more about it.

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Lots of serendipitous things came into play and with great encouragement, my husband insisted on taking action to make that dream come true.

So in a matter of weeks, I'll head off with one of my oldest school friends, who is also a mother, for a two-week adventure to gallivant around Malta, then Ischia, and finally in Taormina at the same exact hotel that White Lotus two was filmed at.

It feels surreal writing this to you now. And also I have to be truly honest, I'm not quite full of excitement just yet, more full of anticipation and a bit of anxiety.

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I've never left my kids for two weeks.

One is six and one is three, and I feel completely untethered and I haven't even left yet. I feel out of control.

My husband is more than capable and we also have my beautiful mother-in-law staying with us over that time as well as additional support.

But I can't help but feel that I intuitively understand and read the needs of my children above and beyond anybody else could ever.

And I think that's true. That's the maternal instinct.

There's a radar inside of me that goes off and pings with little moments and things that I have to do or cover.

Have they had their vitamins? What about the library bag? I really want to work on Fox's relationships. We should book some play dates. Have they had too many French fries this week?

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All of those little questions.

Oh, my gosh, I've got to pay Eva's fees for her weekly activities. All of those things when you're in the routine, when you're in the midst of it all, just they pop in effortlessly.

Mums know how to juggle a million balls in the air. And so do some dads.

I have to be OK with whatever happens during the time I'm away.

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I have to be OK that bed times could be later, bath times could be skipped. French fries are for every meal. There are no vitamins and maybe not even a play date. Who knows if Ever will even make her activities.

And as I say all these things, my chest constricts because that part of me, that mothers, that loves, that cares... is completely out of control.

But I do have to trust that just because it is not my way, doesn't mean it's the only way.

I think this is going to give Benji and the kids and their grandmother such incredible time together to bond.

They're so obsessed with their dad at the moment. It's almost like they're doing me a favour.

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But I do feel odd like I've lost something or I've left something behind because essentially that's what I'm doing.

It doesn't feel natural and our society doesn't really support or celebrate mothers taking trips with friends for fun, for memory, for celebration.

And so as I write this, almost like a journal entry or a moment in therapy, I realise that there is no problem at all. It is me that is making the problem.

So, I then have the ability to release the control and trust. But all is well.

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