The real reason you hate the way your partner dresses isn’t about the clothes

Romantic relationships aren’t always easy. The thrill of those heady early days after you start dating soon gives way to real life, and things you might have once found endearing about your partner can become annoying.

But what if that ‘something’ is the way they dress? Is it ever OK to voice your opinion about your partner’s choice of clothing, or ask them to dress a certain way?

The term for the disparity between how two halves of a couple dress recently got a new name, thanks to TikTok: The Swag Gap.

Famous couples who seem to be afflicted with the condition include Hailey and Justin Bieber, and Jackie and Adam Sandler. When the latter recently turned up at his wife’s movie premiere looking like an ageing member of a male hip-hop band, women all over the world lost their collective minds.

Some found it disrespectful to Jackie. Others thought it was a downright embarrassing.

My husband, for the most part, takes pride in his appearance and the way he dresses.

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Being a typical male, he hates shopping, so apart from a couple of times a year when he shops for himself, I buy most of his clothes as gifts for birthdays, Christmas, Father’s Day or when I think he needs something new.

Apart from occasionally looking homeless when he ventures out in clothes he wears for working around the house, I have never had a problem with the way he dresses − apart from one thing.

A few years ago, he stopped changing out of his business socks at the end of the day before going for a walk. The result: pairing a T-shirt and shorts with white runners and dark or loudly patterned business socks.

He now does this all the time, much to the horror of our teenage daughter, who refuses to go anywhere with him when he is dressed in the aforementioned get-up.

At this point, his refusal to change his socks after repeated pleas from both myself and our daughter might well speak to a bigger problem than the socks. But we will get back to that later.

While I voice my views about the socks, a coworker recently revealed she hated the way her partner dressed but had never said anything to him.

“It has always bothered me, particularly when it comes to going out,” she revealed. 

“I always make an effort with my appearance and put thought into what I wear, and he’ll inevitably reach for some shabby T-shirt-and-pants combo that’s been in his closet for years. 

“I’ve never said anything to him about it because it feels mean − and pointless, he’s a grown man and a stubborn one at that − but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a bit embarrassing. 

“I don’t expect him to be a fashionista, but sometimes I wonder how he looks in the mirror and thinks that’s the right option.” 

Melissa Ferrari, a Sydney psychotherapist who specialises in couples counselling, told nine.com.au it was “perfectly reasonable” to express a preference on how your partner dresses, as long as you did it the right way.

“The way you communicate it matters enormously,” Ferrari said.

“Rather than criticising or shaming, focus on your feelings and what is important to you. For example, ‘It means a lot to me when we both make an effort for special occasions’ is likely to be received much better than, ‘You look terrible’.

“Most people respond better when they feel invited into a conversation rather than judged.” 

Ferrari said the way we dress was tied to “identity, comfort, confidence, self-expression, attraction, social expectations and family values”.

“That means two people can look at the same outfit and attach completely different meanings to it,” she said.

“So the real issue is often not, ‘Do I like what my partner is wearing?’, it is, ‘Do we understand each other? Do we respect each other’s feelings? Can we talk about this without criticism or defensiveness?’

“When couples can communicate openly, listen to each other and support each other’s needs, clothing becomes much less likely to create tension. 

“But when those conversations don’t happen, resentment can build around something that might look small on the surface but feels much bigger underneath.”

So is feeling embarrassed about the way your partner dresses your problem or theirs?

“Usually, it’s a bit of both,” Ferrari said.

“Embarrassment often tells us something about our own expectations, insecurities or concerns about how we are perceived by others. 

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“At the same time, relationships require consideration and compromise. If a partner knows something is genuinely important to the person they love, it is not unreasonable to make an effort or find a middle ground. 

“Compromise does not mean losing yourself. It means recognising that in a healthy relationship, both people’s feelings matter.”

Ferrari said the goal of opening the matter up for discussion should not be to change your partner into a version of yourself, or simply win an argument, but to “understand each other’s perspective … and find an outcome that both people can feel comfortable with”.

So what about my husband and those socks?

Ferrari said if the way a person dresses is causing problems in a relationship, something ‘deeper’ might be at play.

“This is not about the clothing. It is about what the clothing represents within the relationship,” she said.

“One person may feel their partner dresses too casually, too revealingly, not revealingly enough, or in a way that doesn’t fit the occasion. 

“But underneath that reaction there is often a deeper feeling or need. It might be about wanting to feel respected, wanting their partner to make an effort, wanting to feel considered, or wanting to understand why something matters to the other person.”

Instead of deciding “who is right or wrong”, Ferrari said couples were better served by “understanding why the issue matters” at all.

“One of the biggest mistakes couples make is arguing about the surface issue rather than the deeper need underneath it,” she said.

“Very often, a disagreement about clothes is actually a conversation about feeling valued, respected, desired, supported or accepted. 

“The healthiest relationships are not those where partners always agree. They are the ones where both people feel seen, heard and accepted, while still being willing to consider each other’s needs. 

“Ultimately, strong relationships are built through communication, understanding and respect, not through what either person happens to be wearing.”

In the same way, she said the healthiest relationships were “not the ones where partners never disappoint each other”.

“They are the ones where both people feel safe enough to raise concerns, listen to each other’s perspective and work through those feelings together.”