'Sedated tigers, gym flexing and 15-year-old photos: The dating app red flags giving me the ick'

OPINION -- Charlize Theron thinks dating apps are "just horrible", and I'm right there with you, girl!

I was yelling "Amen, sister" as I listened to the actress' candid chat with Alex Cooper on the Call Her Daddy podcast recently.

Watch the video above

Don't get me wrong, loads of loving relationships have blossomed from Hinge, Bumble and Tinder, but the online dating world isn't what it used to be.

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At 39 years of age, it's safe to say I've been around the dating app block many, many, MANY TIMES. But like 49-year-old Theron, I've got the ick.

Scoring a match and having a mature ongoing conversation with someone online seems virtually impossible these days. Ghosting is rampant due to an overabundance of choice, and there's zero accountability or consequence for bad manners.

Don't get me started on the paywalls that now prevent you from accessing your most compatible suitors. If you want a quality dating app experience, get your credit cards ready!

Over the last few years, I've found myself feeling dejected and even repulsed after a swiping session, thanks to an increase in lewd photographs and sexual innuendos.

Theron agrees poorly-chosen pics can be a huge turnoff.

"No Burning Man photos, no photos of you with other women," she pleads.

She also warns creepy mirror selfies make her "vagina close".

Settling down with someone in the movie biz isn't appealing to Theron, so one day she drunkenly set herself up on the apps. If she smells superficiality, she'll be swiping past you though.

"I get wet when you just tell me who you are. Like, don't be pretentious," she told Cooper.

"And don't tell me you're a CEO because you're not. I'm sorry. Of what? Of some business you can't explain to me that none of my friends can understand? Like, no."

I'm by no means the perfect human with a faultless profile, but I've picked up some tips along the way. Here's some red flags I look out for when profile perusing:

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The use of filters on pics

Facetuning is the biggest faux pas, show yourself as you are.

Outdated photos

Use images of yourself that have been taken within the last two years (your Mr World portraits from 15 years ago won't fly).

Lack of variety

Display a range of snaps.... start with a close-up of yourself solo (candid smiles always welcome), then include a full-length angle, you in a group of mates (not too many, or who you are becomes unclear), you looking dapper, plus something casual and/or hobby related.

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Catfishing

Don't do it. You might reel someone in with fake facts, an exaggerated height, and shots of a model, but there's ways of verifying identities through social media etc. You're wasting people's time, and lying never ends well!

Flexing and exes

I know blokes aren't typically big on photoshoots unless they're pumping iron, it's initiated by a girlfriend, or captured on holiday, but ease up on showing past lovers, sedated Thailand tigers, and topless gym selfies. It's predictable and cringe (get some new gear).

Boring bio

Nobody likes a Debby Downer, so include a balance of positivity, personality and wit (where suitable). Detail is good, but we don't need an essay, so keep things concise and catchy (spark curiosity).

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Overtly sexual or inappropriate

Flirty can be fun, but until you understand someone's desires and boundaries, it's best to steer clear of dirty talk.

"The way to win me over is to give me plenty of great sex," had me running in the other direction the second I read it.

AI-generated responses

Relying on ChatGPT to dictate your narrative is lazy and obvious. Jokes about chatbots can be humorous though.

I enjoyed this clever answer to a "Never have I ever..." prompt on Hinge: "Used ChatGPT to generate my prompts".

Dick pics

NOT. OK.

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Connections I've made online have resulted in me being gaslit, ditched on first dates and left to foot bills (after outlandish tales of lost wallets). But I have enjoyed meeting new people and providing my friends with hours of entertainment from these escapades.

Although Theron and I are cynical about dating apps, there is potential to find your needle in the haystack of love if you proceed with serious caution and persistence!

Eliza also has a weekly podcast called Try Before You Die. Listen here (or wherever you get your podcasts)!

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