New mum's horror after sharing the highs and lows of motherhood: 'What have I done?'

What have I done?!

I kept asking myself this question in the hours after one of my pieces was posted. A piece about losing yourself in motherhood.

A piece I didn't think was particularly controversial and yet, it's attracted more commentary than anything I've written. 

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"Where is the violin? Don't be selfish and stop complaining."

"Maybe you better find a couple who want a baby and give it to them." 

And my personal favourite: "If you don't like being a mother how about you close your legs."

Ouch. People are savage and I'll admit, initially these comments made me sick to my stomach.

"I'm done," I told my mum, horrified. 

As the hours passed I realised it's actually heartbreaking. Sad, that someone sharing a personal struggle would be judged so harshly. 

I'm not sad for me though. I'm sad for all the women who read these comments and feel shame for relating to my struggle.

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Women who are also adjusting to motherhood, women who feel lost, women who didn't realise how hard parenthood would be because women before us suffered in silence. 

Around one in seven new mothers suffer postpartum depression in Australia and while I hope most women know better than to sit in the comment section, it's highly likely that they've read responses to articles, similar to mine and retreated; been too afraid to speak up, say how they really feel for fear of rejection and that can be dangerous.

What does it say about me if I'm not happy? If I'm not loving every minute of being a mum? The stigma attached to saying these things needs to go and it needs to go, now. 

Motherhood is hard, it's not black and white. I love my daughter with every part of me, I would do anything for her.

I miss her every minute I'm not with her and can't imagine my life without her but that doesn't change the fact it's been a challenge and that's OK.

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Opening up about parenting difficulties doesn't mean a parent loves their child any less and it certainly doesn't mean a parent is less worthy of their child and yet, that seems to be what some people think and that truly shocks me. 

Conversations around mental health have come so far in recent years, so why are we still telling women to 'stop whinging.' Where's the compassion?

We need to open up these conversations instead, some people are shutting them down. Everyone's experience is different and we need to allow a safe space for women to share what they're going through before they reach breaking point. 

If a mother says they're not enjoying motherhood, it doesn't make them a bad mum. 

If a mother says she doesn't know who she is anymore, it doesn't mean she doesn't want to be a mum. 

And if you don't agree with someone's struggle, it doesn't mean you have to comment.