Amy Sheppard: 'Yes, I've gained weight — but with it I've gained freedom'

Recently, I caught up with an old friend for a coffee. It had been a long while between catch-ups and, naturally, it wasn't long before the conversation turned reminiscent.

"Remember this?!" my friend jubilantly asked, holding her phone inches away from my face. It was a photo of us in London; I was on tour and she had come to see a show. As my eyes came to focus, I only noticed one thing: "Ugh! I was SO slim."

Gazing at my slender figure of yesteryear, a pang of disappointment and embarrassment hit me. 'Wow, people must think I've really let myself go,' I cringed to myself.

When this photo was taken, I remember being overjoyed and comforted by having a familiar face around. It was a fantastic night, so why is it that when I look back now, my reaction is to compare my current body to what it once was?

It doesn't matter who else was in the photo, what amazing monument is in the background or what memories it holds — I'm still conditioned to instantly judge myself.

READ MORE: The Last 10 Questions with Amy Sheppard

Through gritted teeth, I smiled at my friend and laughed off some comment about my weight. After the coffee date, the feelings lingered and I couldn't shake the bully in my head.

I began to think more deeply about that time in my life. What was I doing so differently to now? How did I obtain such a petite frame? Could I get it back? That's when it hit me: I don't actually want it back.

At the time, I was stressed out of my eyeballs. Although I was living some of the best moments of my life, I was also dealing with newfound 'fame', living out of a suitcase, desperately missing my partner and friends, trying to keep up appearances, trying to stay 'fit', trying to deal with body image issues, trying to fit into sample-sized clothes for photo shoots… the list goes on.

I was on an absolute rollercoaster. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and it manifested in my weight. Although I was overjoyed I was kicking goals, I was also sacrificing a huge part of my mental wellbeing by excessive dieting and burning the candle at both ends.

Flash forward a few years and, yeah, I've gained a fair amount of weight — but with it, I've gained a fulfilled life.

This is not 'toxic fat'. This soft, juicy, extra layer is FREEDOM.  It's dinner out with my beautiful friends; it's a romantic walk to get ice cream with my partner; it's saying YES to new foods when travelling. It's feeling satisfied every day instead of deprived and irritated every day.

READ MORE: Amy Sheppard: 'I'm done with starving myself just so I can look great on one night'

This extra weight is my life, and there's no way I could ever trade it for a tiny pair of jeans again.

Next time you notice weight fluctuations in someone, don't be too quick to judge or compliment. Just because someone has lost weight doesn't mean they are healthier and happier, and just because someone puts on weight doesn't mean they've lost control.

In conclusion, yeah, I have 'let myself go' — I've let myself go of a lot of anxiety, stress and hunger. Not only have I gained weight, I've gained control, a better quality of life and an overall healthier body. I deserve that and so do you.