'None of their business': When is it okay to keep secrets from your partner?

Auckland business consultant Katie*, 29, describes herself as self-contained.

"When I was growing up, my mother would sometimes call me secretive.

"I don't like that word as it makes me sound dishonest. I didn't lie about things – well, maybe about parties and whether adults were supervising them." (Relatable.)

"I've just always been a private person. I wasn't that girl who told her parents or her friends or her boyfriend everything.

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"We all keep secrets. I think of it not so much as being secretive, but as keeping some things private."

Katie says she keeps some secrets from her partner of three years. One being aspects of her relationship history, including her cheating on an ex-partner.

"It was just once. I would never cheat on my current partner. I don't think he needs to know about it."

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Katie also keeps some secrets when it comes to the therapy she's getting. "He knows I have anxiety and some issues I'm working through. But I haven't told him I have some OCD [Obsessive-compulsive Disorder] symptoms."

For Katie, repetitive behaviours occupy 10 to 15 minutes a day – something she hides from him.

"I haven't outright lied, but I have deflected about what I've been doing. Because it would worry him. I feel like he'd start observing exactly what I was doing, which would make me self-conscious and sort of ashamed.

"And I'm getting on top of the OCD stuff. I do share with him most other things going on in my life. He knows everything about my finances, my politics, my goals etc."

Why keep secrets from your partner?

There are secrets and then there are secrets. Most people would agree it's fine to keep small secrets from your partner: for instance, how much their mother annoys you, that you follow former cast members of The Bachelor on Instagram, or that you used to have a crush on a friend of yours.

A friend of mine, Charlotte*, gives some examples of what she'd consider 'OK secrets'. "Surprises: secrets for now, but I'll reveal them later and it'll be good.

"Confidences: things other people tell me in confidence, or things I have to keep confidential for work.

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"White lies and benign omissions: I don't tell my partner how much his hair is thinning, I choose not to say how much it annoys me when he does X, I tell him I'm sure X likes him, I withhold my scary medical appointment coming up until close to the time or afterwards.

"Private information: choosing not to disclose what I fantasise about, which partner was better at oral, that I'm insecure about this body part, that I was assaulted before we met. I wouldn't call any of the above 'being secretive' even though there are secrets."

In a Psychology Today story called 'Why We Keep Secrets From Our Partners', Susan Krauss Whitbourne – Professor Emerita of Psychological and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts – writes that "not everyone feels completely comfortable engaging in self-disclosure, even to the people we hold most dear".

She writes that some secrets are fine to keep, but that there may be an issue if the secret directly affects or concerns your partner.

She also explains why people may keep these secrets. "First and foremost, particularly for women, is [a] reluctance to hurt their partner or damage the relationship.

"Keeping a secret allows them to avoid their partners' disapproval. Shame is another driver for keeping secrets, as individuals in romantic relationships may feel that what they're doing would not only lead their partner to disapprove, but to lose faith in them."

"But protecting those secrets that may lie in the core of your identity keeps your partner from having a complete picture of you, flaws and all.

"The longer you keep such secrets, the more difficult they become to keep, and the more they can jeopardise the pathways of communication between you."

The Difference Between Privacy & Secrecy

Several women tell me that they see privacy and secrecy as different things. "Secrecy has more implications of deceit," one says. "Privacy is about choices around what you might share."

Philippa* feels uncomfortable with the idea of keeping secrets from your partner. "But I also 100 per cent believe we have the right to be private, even when we're in relationships, and that nobody has the right to know things we don't want to tell them.

"Case in point: my husband and I have been together for many years, and there are so many things he doesn't know about my life before we met – for example, how many people I've slept with.

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"He asked me once and I said it was none of his business. He also doesn't know that I had relationships back in the day with a couple of guys that I still maintain friendships with."

"I'm a very private person and I don't like talking about my feelings. I don't like to confide in anybody.

"Even though my husband is the love of my life and the person I trust above all others, I still wouldn't choose to tell him everything that goes on in my head. I have the right to be private and keep things to myself!"

Meanwhile, Fiona* likes some "emotional privacy" in her relationship. "I don't feel the need to go into details about everything."

When does she think keeping secrets from your partner is or isn't OK? "Maybe it depends on the secret.

"Everyone is free to make decisions about what they do or don't want to share with a partner, but ultimately some things are bound to have an impact – i.e. if it impacts the other person or the relationship."

"If someone can't talk to their person about something, the reason for why may point to issues in their relationship.

"For instance, whether each person feels safe enough to share their past pain with their partner.

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"On the other hand, sometimes a little private time, healing, or therapy may help the person work through their pain – and they can later communicate what's happened with a bit of perspective, or reframing, or in a way that may be informative rather than damaging."

As for Katie, her therapist has gently suggested that perhaps she could tell her partner about the OCD symptoms.

"Now that I'm really thinking about this, maybe I could tell him? I don't know. It would be hard." If their positions were reversed? "Yeah, I'd want to know."

This article was originally published on Capsule, and is republished here with permission.

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