When is the right time to tell your partner personal secrets

We all have a few skeletons in our closet. Some may have a walk-in wardrobe of them. But should we keep them locked away? 

We asked two relationship experts for their thoughts on whether it's always a good idea to share our deepest, darkest secrets with our partners. 

Be upfront

Dating and relationship coach, Renee Slansky is a firm believer in honesty — to a point.

"No one's perfect," Slansky says. "People struggle with honesty in relationships because they think they aren't enough, so they hide their fears and faults.

"I believe real love is about being honest, [but] your partner doesn't need to know all the gory details of past sexual escapades or mental health struggles," she adds. "Some things are best kept to yourself but DO address them if they affect your present relationship."

Consider the fallout

Sexologist and relationship expert, Dr Nikki Goldstein believes it's important to think about why you might want to share your secrets, and what you're hoping to achieve by doing so. 

"You had a life before you met your partner and have a right to protect your privacy," she says. "Think about the impact it will have on them and really question whether you are letting the secret out for the benefit of the relationship, or just to ease your own conscience."

The secrets we're keeping

People keep secrets for many reasons, harbouring private feelings of shame or guilt. Goldstein says questionable behaviours in your past that you don't participate in anymore can be especially difficult to confess. 

"Sexual encounters, money and drugs are common secrets that people are ashamed to admit to their partner, particularly when they feel it doesn't equate to who they are in the present relationship."

At the top of Slansky's list of common secrets is money and spending, with women scared of telling their partner how much they've spent and men not disclosing how much they make. She states fear is a major component of secrecy and believes it's not just the fear of rejection but fear of being a failure as a partner and the fear of a misunderstanding during the reveal.

"Being transparent means accountability, plus a degree of uncertainty, which makes anyone uneasy," she says.

Coming clean

It's a nerve racking prospect, so how should you divulge your shady past? Slansky suggests having a mini script in your head and tackling the conversation face-to-face, while Goldstein adds that a good state of mind is also vital.

"Think about what's going on for you. Are you stressed? Are you tired? If you aren't in a great place in your relationship, revealing a secret could lead to disaster. It's critical to pick your time wisely," Goldstein says.

"Remember, secrets don't build trust." Slansky reminds us. "They are exhausting to uphold and can breed anxiety that affects your emotional state. Get them out, even if it's not to your partner. Seek advice and allow your relationship to evolve with trust."

There's clearly no "one size fits all" way to reveal a secret, but with careful consideration and respect for your partner's feelings, you can get through it with minimal damage to your relationship.  

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