'I didn't like my kids when this photo was taken'
I did not like my children when this photo was taken. I actually resented them for existing.
Kaiden was 17-months-old and Chloe one-month, and I didn't want to be their mother.
I didn't want to change their nappies, feed them, and most of the time. I wanted to leave them in their cribs and run out the door, never to return.
I'm serious.
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I know that some of your jaws are hanging open, and some of you are probably disgusted thinking, 'How the hell can someone dislike their own children?'.
I know, its effed up, which is why it took me so long to tell anybody about it.
I remained silent and buried my thoughts. I smiled for photos and mustered false admiration when someone would fawn over them.
I cried often, most of the day actually. I questioned my sanity and constantly berated myself for being such a sh-tty person.
I screamed, I hid, I let them cry and pulled my hair out. I didn't want them anymore. I didn't want them.
My husband didn't know. He was gone a lot, working. I couldn't tell him or he'd regret having children with me. I was alone.
One day I decided I wasn't going to get them out of their cribs. I was going to leave them there, let them cry and soil themselves. I didn't care. I couldn't care. I tried to care. I COULDN'T care.
Instead I called my doctors office. The moment my favourite receptionist answered I broke down in tears. I told her I didn't want to be a mum anymore and she told me to, 'Come in IMMEDIATELY'. I did.
In this week's episode of Honey Mums, Deb Knight talks to Nine reporter Amelia Adams about her struggle to spend enough time with her kids:
https://omny.fm/shows/9honey-super-mums/do-i-spend-enough-time-with-them-with-special-gues/embed
The doctor spoke to me about postpartum depression as if he'd had this conversation thousands of times.
Turns out he had.
Turns out I was one of MILLIONS of women experiencing those feelings at that exact moment. I wasn't crazy. Something was wrong with my brain. Something I couldn't fix alone.
My doctor and I fixed it together.
My kids are two and three now, and I love and adore them so much that my heart physically aches when I think of them. I would give my life for them without blinking.
Reaching out for help was the greatest gift I have ever given them as a mother.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, I just wanted you to know -- you aren't alone. You aren't crazy -- and you need to tell someone.
If you or someone you know is struggling with postpartum depression, contact PANDA on 1300 726 306.
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