Married At First Sight recap, Episode 5: Twins, twins, twins! (And a runaway bride update)

Two girls, one wedding! Monday night's Married At First Sight marked the official arrival of the hot twins -- but only one seems to have gotten her fairy tale outcome.

But first, we get an update on Andrew's runaway bride! Sorry Lauren defenders, looks like she did not just pop out for a bit to check on her son. Girlfriend's now been missing for basically DAYS and Andrew has "absolutely no idea" where she could be.

As he mopes around the hotel room, he tells us that she bolted in a cab while they were walking to a bar on their wedding night.

We watch Andrew type out a text that reads, "Lauren!!! you disappeared last night!! are you ok?" This poorly capitalised message sadly doesn't entice her to respond. Andrew is "pissed off" but hopes she's alright.

Over to non-Polynesian John and Debbie who have slept with a pillow barrier down the middle of the bed (Anthony and Nadia-style).

"No hanky panky!" Debbie tells us, while eating yogurt under the covers and revealing she hasn't shared a bed with anyone for 11 years.

And when John declares that he wants coffee, he quickly learns that Debbie's vows to "submit" to him were more hypothetical than practical. He must make his own coffee.

They seem fine?

RELATED: Read 9Honey's full Married At First Sight, Episode 4 recap

Now, we get to meet the stars of tonight's show, the twins!

I would like to point out that these are actually the THIRD set of twins featured on the show this season.

You may recall a certain wedding guest named Emma, who was secretly the twin sister of Entrepreneur Jonathan's ex:

And groom Anthony had an identical dreamboat brother at his ceremony:

But our twins du jour are Sharon and Michelle, 31-year-old identicals who have decided to have a joint wedding but "not to each other!!!", thank you very much. They're from Perth and best mates and look just like the Sweet Valley High twins.

OK, we should probably separate them into two different people.

MICHELLE

When asked by expert bae John Aiken what makes her different from Sharon, Michelle immediately starts telling us facts about Sharon instead of about herself.

"She's older. She owns her own home. She owns her own business," she says, then adds, "I'm a bit more of a gypsy at the moment…I'm between jobs."

(She is clearly the Jessica Wakefield of these two.)

To get by, she helps Sharon with her commercial cleaning business, which involves the girls hosing down houses in identical hi-vis outfits. But like a true Jessica, she is "a party girl at heart".

She's doing this experiment because "I don't want to stuff around anymore", which is as good a reason as any.

SHARON

John Aiken starts by telling us, "She's the worrier. She gets anxious. She wears her heart on her sleeve."

Sharon (Elizabeth Wakefield) was engaged a year ago, but her fiancé broke it off BECAUSE HE WAS CHEATING ON HER WITH ONE OF HER BEST FRIENDS. This is horrid, and I want to hug Sharon already.

She's trying really hard to move on and just needs a patient, trustworthy guy who would also make a good dad. She also loves country boys.

Fortunately, John knows just the man! A 30-year-old self-confessed bogan named Nick. He's a carpenter who grew up on a farm but now lives in Melbourne working on the rail. He is very cute but has some regrettable earrings. And guess what? He's also been cheated on in the past — by multiple people!! Poor Nick. Poor Sharon.

But uh oh, now we find out that Sharon has also cheated ON one of her past partners!! Can Nick handle this? Honestly don't know.

For Michelle, the experts think they have a great guy named Jesse. He works in his family's fruit and vege shop in the Adelaide Central Market. It's not the sexiest of careers but he performs his job with heart because he likes "socialising with girls".

This mainly involves him telling bad jokes while peddling strawberries to unsuspecting women.

He says he's never had trouble finding dates, which means either he has much better lines off camera, or else Adelaide girls, we need to have a TALK.

Expert Mel Schilling describes him as "your typical early 30s party boy", but he insists he's ready for ~serious commitment~ with "a chick". OK, Jesse, I am judging you hard from the start, but prove me wrong!!

Now the gang's all here and the countdown is on! Did I mention it's a JOINT WEDDING?

Sharon spends her final days of singledom hard at work cleaning houses, while Michelle is busy working on her fitness. M stresses how much physical attraction matters to her in a relationship and that she really hopes her groom makes her say, "Whoa."

Since Jesse is also working out to prevent the early onset of dad bod, this bodes well for Michelle. And in a first for the show, Jesse says he's looking for…wait for it…

A TALL GIRL.

I know. This doesn't however, mean Michelle is looking for a short guy. But maybe!

After everyone tells their families and friends about the wedding and zero drama ensues, the twins go dress shopping. And they pick identical dresses.

Non-Married At First Sight twins, can you please weigh in on this: Is this normal behaviour? Would you ever share your wedding day and wedding dress with your twin??

Jesse goes suit shopping and his friends confirm all of my first-impression judgements of Baby J, saying things like "I can't believe Jesse's getting married!" and "I'm surprised because he's spent the last couple of years with no clear direction in life!" ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The twins get their hair and makeup done and are more focused on each than their grooms.

Nick is lounging at his place in a bathrobe:

Jesse's all suited up and his friends agree he looks schmick! But he is so, so nervous, he can't even tie his shoes.

Nick has also gotten dressed by now. He pauses on his way to their Perth venue to irrigate some wine grapes by TAKING A LEAK on the side of the road. Maybe Sharon will find this country behaviour endearing??

Jesse arrives first at the altar, which is adorned with a pink carpet that Scarlett would LOVE.

Now it's Nick's turn! He gets a bit mopey as he arrives, lamenting that he's 30 and his life is over if he doesn't meet a mate right this minute. Our girl Vanessa would be proud.

And then the BEST BIT happens. Jesse sees Nick enter and recognises him from the bucks party, but everyone else in attendance thinks this may be a surprise gay wedding.

But the confusion gets sorted before their excitement can get too out of hand and this devolves into the social event of the season. Plus, it's time for the twins' grand entrance!

As we pan across the nervous grooms, Mel Schilling gravely tells us, "Twins can be competitive, too."

My gut says this is going to be a fight for Hot Nick.

"Hopefully my bride will prefer someone who's shorter," Jesse tells us. Oh, you poor, poor dear. This show does not fare kindly for short men. But maybe!

But then, as they so often do, a bridesmaid eyes the boys up and down and proclaims, "One's too short".

Too late to change that now. Here come the brides!

Both grooms love what they see, and as Jesse very poetically puts it, "I was like WHUTTTT."

When the officiant takes charge and assigns each a groom, Michelle looks like she's about to cry as she's led towards Jesse. She eyes Sharon with Nick and seethes with (still polite and loving) jealousy, saying, "She's done alright for herself".

ATTN: I love Sharon and Nick already. They are adorable and instantly my new favourite MAFS couple (Sorry, Sean and Susan).

I am actually squealing over how cute Shaz and Nick are at the altar. When he mentions being loyal in his vows and Sharon turns into the literal incarnation of the heart eyes emoji. Sharon's ring doesn't fit but THEIR LOVE IS STRONG ENOUGH TO OVERCOME and he jams it on.

And then they take their oath, and Nick says, "You bloody oath, I do," and everyone melts. The bridesmaids say he's "smitten" and it is so. 

Across the aisle, poor, hopeful Jesse feels a spark but Michelle feels NOTHING. Their vows are a pretty dull, and I'm sad to say I have little faith in this pair right now.

At their photoshoots, Sharon and Nick continue to be adorable and perfect. But Michelle pulls a Lauren and briefly runs away, leaving Jesse to take a series of sad pics alone until she returns.

We randomly check back in with ANDREW, who's playing the blues on his guitar while we wait for Lauren to return (for her belongings, if nothing else). He wanders over to Bondi and stares wistfully at the ocean in case his bride has been washed out to sea. Alas, Lauren is nowhere to be seen.

Back to the twins!

Michelle has reappeared, and this photoshoot is just dreadful. Michelle is miserable.

"It's concerning to me that I don't feel all these butterflies," she tells us. "It's not ideal."

Now time for the reception! Michelle is still devastated and totally wishing she had gotten paired with Nick. It's not hard to see why: Sharon and Nick are made entirely of unicorn fluff and buttercups of love at this point.

Through all of these conflicting emotional highs and lows, Shaz and Mich still haven't had a moment alone to talk, so they take a bathroom break together.

Within the safe confines of the toilet, Michelle confesses she's just not down with Jesse at all. But all it takes is for Sharon to firmly be like "MICHELLE, GIVE HIM A CHANCE, GIRL," and Michelle is instantly sold on trying harder to fall for Jesse.

With lifted spirits, they wander back to the reception where we learn that the twins' dad is a big fan of Jesse's jokes and approves of his and Michelle's union. Papa gives a super sweet speech that suddenly turned fifty shades darker when he whips out two literal whips and presents them to his daughters.

But we learn it's maybe not as dirty as it seems? S and M (as in Sharon and Michelle, you gutter-minded person!) are just actually trained bull whippers. And they kindly give us a demonstration, much to the amusement of the blokes.

Then Michelle and Jesse take a moment alone, and he pulls a surprise gift out of his jacket. With the help of his mum, he's selected a happiness charm necklace. Michelle likes! And maybe there is hope. They kiss, and it is not great but not too terrible either.

Just for you, I've tracked down said gift. It's from Pandora and can be yours for $59.

The couples take separate rides back to their hotels. Sharon and Nicky are still absolutely adorable, but they play coy in the bedroom and refuse to entertain our fantasies.

And oh, Jesse! He's conveniently forgotten his PJs and just has undies and is hoping "for a bit of a spoon".

It's almost time to say goodbye but not before we check back in with jilted Andrew!!

At the very end of the episode we cut to the producers knocking on Lauren's apartment door and...

She answers looking like nothing is wrong whatsover!! "Hi guys," she says breezily. And that is all the info they're going to give us on that mystery tonight.

THE END

Catch a new episode of Married At First Sight Tuesday and Wednesday night on Nine (and live tweet along with me at @AshleyySpencer). For more on MAFS, including exclusive clips and fun bites, head to 9Now.