Married At First Sight recap, Episode 23: Two couples commit to forever(ish)

I'd like to begin by saying that everyone looks incredible.

The show seems to have brought in pro-makeup artists, hair stylists, and wardrobe for the vow renewals, and these guys look BANGIN'.

This episode has the anticipation levels of The Bachelor finale, but it's so much better. Instead of three people's fates hanging in the balance, we get 12!

And unlike The Bachelor, we're going to have wait for the full payoff. The renewals are being spread over three nights, so while we catch a glimpse of everyone tonight, we only get to witness the actual ceremonies for two couples right away.

We begin with the couples bidding each other adieu for a week while they're sent back to their respective homes to deliberate if they'd like to continue their relationship beyond the experiment.

RELATED: Read 9Honey's full recap of Married At First Sight's Episode 22

They're not allowed to talk to their partner for the entire seven days they're apart, and some are taking it quite hard.

Others, not so much.

Anthony has decided to go out with a bang by sending Nadia off with a birthday surprise. He's printed out a bunch of their selfies (side note: Who knew these two took selfies?!) and purchased balloons that spell out her age.

OH WAIT, NO. The balloons just awkwardly spell out "30s" because our usually very nosy and informed race caller says he didn't know how old Nadia was turning.

Feels a bit like low-key ageist shade to me.

But anyway, she is delighted!

"I'm hopeful we're on the same page," he says solemnly. "But hope doesn't count for a lot."

Now, let's focus on the two couples we're actually going to see renew their vows (or not) tonight:

ANDY & VANESSA
Yep, we're getting these guys over with right away. It's not that I don't like them. I think they're lovely! And Andy was absolutely delightful at the final dinner party. I just feel like we don’t really know them.

All of our time with them has been spent obsessing over their introvert and extrovert labels. The words introvert and extrovert have lost all meaning they've been said so many times. And I'm sure these two have so much more to give!

Anyway, Andy returns to the Gold Coast where his mum promptly calls Vanessa "a very domineering lady" and defends her baby boy's quiet ways.

And yet, his equally quiet dad encourages him to see it through, and both parents ultimately voice their support for the relationship.

Andy then runs over to his old buddy Tommo. Remember Tommo? He had an irrational hatred of Vanessa on the groom's homestay. And apparently, he still does!

"Yeah, she'll talk underwater," he growls.

Tommo (who is presumably unmarried) tells Andy he doesn't need to change for her! Or for anyone! How dare that woman try to change him! This is an outrage!

Meanwhile, Vanessa has a chat with her dad in which they both conclude that all women "seek out someone similar to their father". Since Vanessa's dad is deemed quiet, they decide Andy deserves a shot.

Now, time for the ceremony!

Andy greets her at their beach altar with a rousing "Bula!" (They had a GREAT time on that Fiji honeymoon.)

His vows are great! And genuine! And his eyes sparkle!

"When I first laid eyes on you, I knew you were something special," he tells her. "You are kind and understanding and always put yourself second."

And then the best part:

"Vanessa, I know I'm not the guy you ordered, but if you take a chance on a caveman you'll get more than you bargained for."

AND THEN he goes on to say that he never wants her to change! He wants her to "turn her volume to 10"!

Vanessa's vows are fine, but with a few too many thinly veiled jabs at his personality. Still, it's enough!

They're going to give it a go! They stroll off in intro-extrovert bliss. Woo hoo! 

ALENE & SIMON
Simon heads back up to Ipswich feeling sad to be away from Alene. I am mostly impressed by how he has managed to pack the world's tiniest suitcase for his eight weeks in the experiment. It is literally the size of a book.

He returns to his very sad, very empty apartment and begins to ponder the meaning of life.

He then goes to hang out with his cool friend Katie and bonds with her equally cool kids who tell him he should definitely stay with Alene because they "like her hair".

Down in Sydney, Alene has decided she needs to have one last consult with her meddling but well-meaning(?) BFF Amanda.

As always, Amanda can be counted on to have ~concerns~.

She doesn't think Simon has swept Alene off her feet. She's worried Simon will cut and run if things get tough. She just doesn't think this is a good idea.

But! Alene quickly grows exasperated, and it is clear that Simon is now her No. 1.

Sozzle, Mandy.

"I don't know if he's The One!" Alene wails. "I don't know if he's going to be the father of my children! I have no idea!"

(He totally is.)

Time for the ceremony, which appears to be held in a jungle-esque place in Queensland.

Alene slo-mo comes down the stairs to her waiting limo looking like a bombshell!

She arrives at the jungle site where Simon looks giddy and tells her, "You look delicious!" And so does he!

They both recite perfect, loving, eloquent vows. Here are some highlights:

"The first time I laid eyes on you, I got scared and panicked and worry crept in — until I reached you and we held hands," Alene tells him. "Your energy was grounding and you were so comforting. All my worries drifted away and I knew that even if you were not The One, I was safe going into this experiment with you.

"You are caring, honest, brave, and most of all a loving partner," she concludes. "And I want to stay with you further into the future."

Simon then says equally great things about her!

"You are one of the most caring people I've ever met, and it really made me take a step back and reflect on what I was looking for. I must admit I have been holding back my feelings because I, well, was scared of the unknown and, even more, scared of rejection," he says. "But from Day One, you have been open and honest with me about everything, and it inspired me to be the same.

"I'm not going to lie. I had no idea why we were even matched at the start," he continues. "But reflecting back on our time together, I'm honoured to have met you and I wouldn't have changed a thing about our time together. 

"Alene, you are the best wife I could have asked for, and with all my heart I hope to continue this relationship with you well into the future."

This is everything she's ever wanted to hear and more! It's perfect! They're perfect!

They kiss and then tell us how excited they are to keep being around each other because they are so obviously soulmates.

"I feel comfortable now that I can embrace this later and do things like this [grabs her face in gentle yet weird way]," says Simon, "and she's not going to get too abrupt with me."

(She is.)

They exit in euphoria and throw their vows in the air on the count of three. This is littering and wasteful, but we'll give them a pass for now because — look out, Zoe and Alex! — Married At First Sight just crowned its new beloved power couple destined to bring us sweet Instagrams for all time (and maybe one day an adorable MAFS baby).

NEXT TIME: Nick decamps to The Bachelor!

J/K, it's just time for the twins' vow renewals.

Catch a new episode of Married At First Sight Tuesday night on Nine (and tweet me your thoughts @AshleyySpencer). For more on MAFS, including exclusive clips and fun bites, head to 9Now.