‘I’ve been so ashamed of my psoriasis that I avoided people’

It’s a beautiful, sunny 37-degree day, and there I stand in long jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, a hat and enclosed shoes. It’s freaking hot, but so worth it.

I’m not covering up because I’m allergic to the sun. I am one of the 125 million people in the world who suffer from psoriasis.

However, I don’t have the ‘regular’ form of the auto-immune condition—mine is the extra special, extra stubborn, extra embarrassing kind.

I suffer from ‘Guttate psoriasis,’ and because less than a third of people with psoriasis suffer from this variety, it makes me a rarity.

Psoriasis occurs when skin cells grow too quickly, but the body is not able to shed the excess skin cells so they pile up on the surface of the skin.

It’s not a rash, it’s not an infection, and it’s not contagious. It’s merely inflamed, scaly areas of the skin, and in some cases (including mine) it can affect your toe or fingernails, as well as the scalp.

There are not any confirmed links to the condition being genetic, so I can’t even blame my dad.

While it’s only skin-deep, psoriasis can make you feel really sh---y about yourself. It can make you so anxious that when somebody merely looks in your direction, you feel the need to blurt out an explanation—even though nobody asked for one.

Even as a self-assured woman, it has the power to crush any form of self-confidence I have.

I have been so ashamed of my psoriasis I have avoided people, sold festival tickets, and cancelled dates. I never want to be put in a situation where anyone can see the red dots all over me, and that’s hard because as someone who’s loud and out-there, it’s hard not to see me.

I’ve even spent time in dangerous solariums because UVB is one one of the only things that can ease psoriasis.

Dermatologists use specially-controlled light treatment that only exposes you to UVB light, and eliminates the highly dangerous UVA that comes from the sun and solariums. But I felt those small 30-second sessions weren’t working fast enough, and I desperately wanted a quick fix.

In a wicked twist, psoriasis is linked to stress. Because it can be so straining on your mental and emotional wellbeing, the appearance of it heightens your stress, and so continues the vicious cycle.

I’ve been told by family, friends and even men I was dating that my psoriasis didn’t look ‘that bad’, and that my perception of it was probably worse than reality. That’s probably true, but it doesn’t take away from the shame I feel.

Last year, a good friend posted about his own struggle with the condition on social media, admitting he also struggles with mental health and that his symptoms are heightened when feels his lowest.

I will never forget the feeling I had when I read that. I was elated that I wasn’t so weird and gross – well, at least not on my own—and began to understand it was okay to not hide myself away whenever I had a flare up.

The post also made me realise there must be so many other young people out there who struggle with the same issue I do. I felt more at ease with my psoriasis than ever.

I recently had a flare-up in the lead up to Christmas. I’d been under stress at work, and as the party season kicked in it became more aggressive. (You see, alcohol is TERRIBLE for psoriasis.)

Because it was summer, I was laying in the sun as much as possible in the hope the UV light would help my psoriasis fade away.

Yet this has resulted in a whole new frustration, as for the last three months, I have been faced with scarring over torso, back, chest and arms. A spray tan only enhances the white dots all over me.

*Even visible on my chest here WITH an Instagram filter.

Psoriasis is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, and I know that with a healthy diet and lifestyle it is manageable.

However, with the condition comes the risk of arthritis later in life. While I can manage my flaky scalp with a hat and cover my dots up with some jeans, the true test lays ahead.

But I do find comfort in knowing I am not alone—and I hope if that you’re reading this during your own struggle with psoriasis, you realise you aren’t alone either.