The 12 'Dad Don'ts' every new father needs to stick to

"There’s only one thing to know about becoming a dad – and it’s that no one actually knows what the f--- it is they’re doing," writes Richard Clune, dad and author of Male Order: Manning up in the Modern World.

Here, he shares the 12 "Dad Don'ts" every new father needs to follow:

1. Don't get on the gas when in the delivery suite. Yes, there’s a tank in the room just asking to be abused. It’s not for you.

3. Don't talk about the colour of your kid’s s--- more than once a month – and never with anyone other than a partner or healthcare practitioner.

4. Don't talk about the brand of pram you’ve purchased. Ever.

6. Don't dress your kid in a band T-shirt/babygrow. Seriously, they’re not familiar with the Ramones' back catalogue, nor can they recite the lyrics to ‘Blitzkrieg Bop’ (and nor, given this sartorial approach, can you). 

7. Don't dress your toddler in a full Adidas Original threestripe tracksuit.

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8. Don't let your child watch Star Wars before the age of eight.

9. Don't grow a mullet. This is not specific to fathers, though we felt the need to point it out it all the same. The same goes for wearing a bandanna.

10. Don't question the portrayal of fathers in children’s animated TV series. You are an idiot (see: Peppa Pig) and that is just something you must learn to live with.

Little Zyrel doesn’t need know he was the product of a 30-second (mis)adventure in the upstairs en suite that morning you were rushing to get to a 9am meeting but became distracted on seeing your partner in the shower.

12. Don't buy a people mover. There is no need, given modern SUVs (a lesser of evils in the coolness index) can accommodate up to eight.