'I thought she'd be better off without me': Mum shares battle with postnatal depression

Ashleigh Howley's baby was just weeks old when she first started to think her daughter would be better off without her.

Howley, a nurse from the NSW South Coast, had everything she needed, including a supportive husband, Gavin, yet something wasn't right.

"We had got married so the next step in our life was to start a family," Howley told 9Honey. "We had no issues falling pregnant a couple of months later."

"I had a great pregnancy and my birth was pretty much stock standard. I had quite a good recovery."

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But being at home with a new baby she struggled to breastfeed soon took a toll on Howley.

After introducing Addison to bottles, the external and internal pressure she felt manifested as something more sinister.

"There was a lot of shame and guilt around moving from breastfeeding," Howley said.

"She was probably about six to eight weeks old when I just thought she would be better off with someone else taking care of her who could do the things I couldn't do for her, which was actually just that one thing.

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"I did not have an intention of make a plan to take my life, but it was probably not that far away."

While Howley was able to dismiss the intrusive thoughts, she continued to spiral and suffered from anxiety as well self-deprecating, self-doubting thoughts about her ability to care for her daughter.

When family and friends asked her if she was OK, she would lie. She also downplayed her mental state when a child and family health nurse screened her for postnatal depression.

Still, she was starting to realise something was amiss, but continued to hide the truth out of shame, thinking she had no right to feel depressed when she had a great life.

"It was my husband who held the mirror up and said this person who appeared to be functioning was not me," Howley said.

Still, she didn't seek help straight away, waiting until her daughter was five months old before finally seeing a GP, who referred her to a psychologist.

He in turn diagnosed her with postnatal depression and sent her back to the GP who prescribed anti-depressants.

Howley eventually got through the tough time with the support of family, friends and health professionals, including a therapist, who she still sees off and on when needed.

"I always say this was the start of my mental health journey," Howley said.

She continues to suffer from anxiety, which rears its head from time to time, however no longer requires medication for depression.

While the couple had always considered only having one child, Howley said her experience with postnatal depression clinched that decision.

"I always felt if I had another baby they would get a better version of me than she did and that would not be fair."

While she describes her relationship with Addison, now nine, as 'incredible', she still feels guilty about those early months.

"I do think I was the best version of myself the first year of her life," Howley said.

"I have pictures of me kissing her [but] I feel like I am physically there and present in her life [but] I don't think I was able to relax and enjoy it."

Howley is speaking about her experiences during Perinatal Mental Health Week (November 17-23). 

Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia (PANDA) created the week to raise awareness of the conditions, which affect about 100,000 Australian women every year.

'Perinatal' refers to the period from the start of pregnancy to a year after giving birth.

The arrival of a child can affect a parent's emotional well-being, including increased feelings of isolation, sleep deprivation, financial pressure, changes in relationships and a shift in priorities.

After another bout of anxiety earlier this year, Howley became an R U OK? community ambassador.

"I thought, I have had this experience ongoing for nine years. It's time to give back."

Her role is to encourage family and friends to check in on new parents.

She also wants to end the shame and stigma surrounding postnatal anxiety and depression.

PANDA chief executive Julie Borninkhof said it was important new parents felt supported.

"Many people struggle during this life-changing time, and our ability to cope when we're not feeling great is reduced," she said.

"We know from our callers that parenting can be a really isolating experience.

"For some… this social disconnection can intensify mental health struggles. 

"The sooner they feel supported and connected, the sooner we can reduce their distress, rebuild their confidence, and reconnect them with their lives."

Parenting expert Dr Justin Coulson recommends 'gently' checking in with new parents if you notice they are struggling. 

"You might say to someone, 'Hey, just lately, I've noticed you don't seem yourself; are you OK?'. Then truly listen. You don't have to be a therapist to do this. Just be a friend."

While Howley said she would lie at first when asked by family and friends how she was doing, knowing they were there meant she could talk to them once she was ready.

"It's not about putting pressure on them but giving them the space to come and talk when they are ready," she said.

She also recommends not trying to 'fix' someone, but encouraging action if they do speak up.

Getting help

PANDA provides telephone counselling via a free national helpline available Monday to Friday, 9am-7.30pm, and Saturday, 9am-4pm (AEST/AEDT). Call 1300 726 306.

You can also visit the website panda.org.au

Lifeline provides free and confidential crisis support 24 hours a day. Call 13 11 14, or text 0477 131 114 or chat online at lifeline.org.au.

13YARN is a free 24-hour service offering crisis support service for Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islander people. Call 13YARN (13 92 76).